First-timer gives advice for fantasy football success
Football never gets old. That’s nearly a scientific fact. When it’s not Sunday, Monday, or Thursday night, what else is a television good for? The only reason we buy 80-inch screens is to grant ourselves a full 1080-pixel checkup on Aaron Rodgers’ scruff, Tom Brady’s tears or whether Colin Kaepernick brushed his teeth that morning.
Bottom line, America loves football, but when it’s the middle of the week and Sports Center is stuck with replay after replay, what’s the cure? For me, it’s the FFL, or the Fantasy Football League.
I always envisioned Fantasy Football as something old high school has-beens did to prove to their gym buddies that they “still got game.” I was wrong; I was so wrong. The FFL will delight the viewer with every game coming through your cable box, making even a game between the Raiders and the Jags a nail biter — believe it or not.
To a newcomer of the FFL, like I was this year, the whole process might appear a little confusing or complicated. It really boils down to three steps: Draft, Smack and Play. Follow these three steps, and domination will rain down upon your workplace boss or cooler-than-usual graduate teacher like brimstone from Hades. Really, anyone can play, and there are plenty of free leagues to join or create. Here’s how:
Draft — There are anywhere from four to 14 people to a league with a single commissioner, who is in charge of making the league run smoothly. My commissioner for this year’s league pulled our 10 names from a hat in random order; whoever gets the best draft number gets to pick who they want on their team before everyone else. Once we’ve gone through all 10 participants, round after round of drafting will repeat until everyone has their full team roster.
Tips for drafting: pay attention to timing. You only get a certain amount of time to pick who you want on your team before it moves on to the next person in line. If you don’t make your pick in time, you will get “Auto-drafted”. This is when the next best undrafted player is automatically signed to your team, with or without your permission. Leave it up to auto-drafting, and you may get stuck with Tony Romo as your starting QB.
Smack — The Seahawks and the 49ers never started their rivalry with “please” and “thank you,” just like America never settled its independence from the UK by having a garden party brunch. When you get the player you really like, let everyone else know about it. When you’re up against your old supervisor from work in a weekly match-up, tell it to his face, through Facebook chat, a well thought out text, that your team’s domination will make him cry like a schoolgirl who just broke up with her third-grade boyfriend. Polite or friendly teams rarely make history.
Tips for Smack Talk: you can most definitely go too far. Never make someone in the league truly question his or her own gender. Never make jest at another person’s injured players — this brings bad juju. Most importantly, never bring another person’s mother into smack talk. This brings a mother’s wrath — because she’s probably in your FFL.
Play — This is when the action beings. You have no control over this last step. Before your team is locked, make sure you don’t have any starters on a bye week. This means you would be counting their points, but their team isn’t even playing this week. This will make you sad. Any FFL software, whether you go through ESPN, YAHOO or the official NFL app, they will give you a “projected score” for each player, and total it up for your team. Even though Calvin Johnson is projected to score 24 points against the Dolphins, he may only get eight. This will also make you sad. Though there are different ways to score points, according to what position they play, sometimes they simply disappoint you, kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio when it comes to winning an Oscar.
Tips for Play: stay calm. Your team is locked. You’ve done your best to trade players. You must now leave it in the hands of the professionals. Though they may be playing in Green Bay, they can actually hear you through the TV screen, so keep up the yelling — it helps. Most importantly, don’t put anyone on your active roster who is prone to any kind of civil dispute, domestic violence or yelling profane memes from table tops. They’ll most likely be kicked off their team within one to seven months from Commissioner Goodell, and that will make you sad.
— Brad Ferguson is a Junior studying aviation technology — professional pilot; he enjoys McDoubles, heckling and watching cat gifs.
Twitter: @Bradferg47