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Five activities we’d all have Olympic gold medals in if they were sports

Let’s face it, the majority of us are average Joes who — forget leagues — aren’t even in the same universe as Olympic athletes. What can we say? We just like chilling in bed instead of wrecking ourselves in the gym for 10 hours a day. Well, you don’t have to be down on yourself for your lack of Olympic qualifications, you just have to reframe how you look at your life. 

We’re all Olympic Gold Medalists in at least five instances: 

  1. Netflix Bingeing

We rarely begin a Netflix show intending to watch all six seasons, each with 25 hour-long episodes, within a matter of three days. But let’s face it, it happens every time. Every. Single. Time. We don’t know how, we don’t know why, all we know is watching this show is suddenly a matter of life and death and sleep is for the weak.

Netflix, you sneaky devil. Just you wait, one of these days Elon Musk will invent a mind chip that will advance our brains enough to thwart your mind tricks. Until then, excuse me while I go cry over the “Stranger Things” season three finale for the fourth time.

  1. The “I’m-Going-to-Bed-Now” Lie

Picture it: 

It’s getting late on a Wednesday night and you know you have an early class in the morning you have to be awake for. Being the responsible human being you are, you make the mature decision to go to bed early. This will ensure you’ll be well-rested when you wake up with plenty of time to put yourself together. 

Since you usually don’t go to bed before midnight, you decide 11 p.m. is a reasonable time. 11 hits and you inform your roommates you’re going to bed. And you do. You turn off the lights, climb under your covers and close your eyes only to realize the world might have ended and you wouldn’t know because you haven’t checked Instagram in five minutes. What if your crush messaged you asking, “You up?” What if the Kardashians said something overly dramatic that’s now being blown out of proportion but will be old news by tomorrow? What if there’s a new Tik Tok trend you’ll look ridiculous for not knowing in the morning? 

You soon realize you won’t get any sleep until you quell your curiosity. 

“OK, I’ll just check Instagram for one minute,” you tell yourself. 

And you do. You check Instagram for one minute … forty times in a row without a break in between. Which leads to the same on Twitter, then Pinterest, then Tik Tok, then YouTube, then Netflix, then —

“Oh my gosh, it’s two in the morning and I have class in five hours!” 

Yup … just gonna leave that there …

 

  1. Diet and Lifestyle Changes … for a Week … or a Day … or an Hour …

Since we’re not real Olympic athletes, we don’t have Olympic athletes’ bodies. Most of the time we’re more than OK with that, but every once in a while, we’ll decide to do a complete 180 when it comes to our fitness and diet. 

No more sugar, no more late-night McDonald’s runs, no more down Mountain Dew Kickstarts to stay awake. From now on, we’re only going to eat vegetables and work out as our hobby. We may even purge our pantry of the sudden trash we have in there and break our bank at Whole Foods and Lululemon for our lifestyle change. That’s all fine and dandy until we crave Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets and Crumbl’s warm chocolate chip cookies … an hour later. 

Well, so much for that. 

Ah, forget it. Who needs a model body anyway when food and leisure exist?

  1. Selfie Craze and Selfie regret

Lizzo just finished telling you that you feel “good as hell” while getting ready and looking in the mirror, you are fully convinced of it. Your pimples are hardly noticeable, the bags under your eyes are lighter than usual and, man, is your hair cooperating today! The world needs to see this work of art so you pull out your phone for a quick selfie only for it to come out horrible. Your pimple takes up your whole face, the bags under your eyes could sink the Titanic and your hair looks like a bird’s nest. 

As any reasonable person would, you proceed for the next 20 minutes to try every possible angle, backdrop, lighting, pose and expression possible only for each of them to turn out equally disappointing. You now regret everything and delete them all so no one can ever bear witness to this monstrosity.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the “Selfie Craze and Selfie Regret.”

  1. Saying, “I’ll put it on my list!” 

Ah, yes. The infamous list of movies and shows to watch and books to read we all have, right next to our pet unicorn’s stables and the Tooth Fairy’s mountain of children’s eroding teeth. 

I have actually had physical lists on my iPhone notepad at various intervals, but I don’t consult them as much as you’d think considering how much I reference their existence.

Not sure what list I’m referring to? I mean when a friend is asking you if you’ve seen a show/movie or read a book and since you haven’t, they dive into an hour-long lecture about it and another hour-long persuasive essay about why you should watch/read it.

“OK, I’ll put it on my list!” you say. Ringing a bell? 

“I’ll put it on my list” is such a spectacular line because of its versatility. It can mean one of two things: one, “Wow, that seriously sounds so good! I really want to watch/read that but I’m really busy at the moment and committed to watching/reading something else. I’ll remember it and get to it as soon as I can, though!” Or, two, “Yeah, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life and I will literally never read/watch that but by saying this I’m implying I might so you’ll stop talking about it.” 

After its initial use, this line will morph into “It’s on my list!” And whatever it is will remain on your list gaining dust until pigs fly.

So you see, you might not be able to run a mile in four minutes or figure skate like a Greek god on ice, but you’ll always be the Micheal Phelps of being an average Joe. 

*Graphic by Tyson Alles.

Dara Lusk was born and raised in northern Virginia outside of Washington, DC. She is majoring in English with an emphasis in Technical/Professional Writing and a minor in Anthropology. When not writing she loves reading and annotating classic literature.

—dara.lusk@usu.edu

@dara_marie_