GEEK BEAT: Old Man Winter is a wussy

Just when we were all really enjoying our racially indiscriminate summer, winter comes back.

And like anything else cool that comes back, it came back with a vengeance.

It just blows my mind to hear people talk about it like it was unexpected, like the ending of “Return of the King” (there’s no way you saw that one coming: the king, he returned).

Am I the only one with a calendar? It’s the last week of November, people, which means most of us are still wandering around in a turkey-flavored daze, but somewhere back in the mountains, Old Man Winter is waiting to pounce on our peaceful valley like your fat cousin on the last piece of Grandma’s pumpkin pie.

Although, I’ve gotta be honest, Old Man Winter’s pouncing has gotten weaker and weaker recently.

For the past two years, I’ve been telling new students about how tough the winters are here in Logan, and for the last two years, I’ve been looking like a dork.

I’m starting to worry about my image. I may not be able to show my face at the next sci-fi convention.

I don’t know what the deal is. Some people blame global warming. I don’t believe in that.

First off, some people also believe lawn gnomes look good, so that’s one big strike against some people in general.

Also, have you noticed women no longer complain about how it’s cold?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

The main reason I don’t subscribe to global warming is the summers don’t seem any hotter to me. In fact, they actually seem less hot. All of our weather is just getting weaker.

There’s no such thing as global warming, only global wussying.

This bugs me because we no longer get the kind of winters I need for my plan to restore the mammoth to its rightful place as a cheap alternative for beef.

Still, just because Old Man Winter is turning into a pansy, that’s still no reason to forget how the four seasons work.

Since there’s no way for the surprised people to avoid winter while the rest of us enjoy its slushy goodness, I’m going to remind everyone who can’t remember what happened last year what’s going to happen over the next three to five months.

Basically, a lot of cold white stuff will fall from the sky. This is called snow. Nice people use it to make angels. Mean people use it to torment nice people. People with dandruff use it to hide their problem.

Some people will get their car stuck. Some of us will have to dig them out. Then we will get stuck, and the cycle starts anew.

Someone will use it to make a snow sculpture on the Quad that, while anatomically correct, is just plain wrong.

Although in truth, all snowmen are anatomically correct; it’s just really cold outside.

Anyway, once you get used to winter, it can actually be a fun and magical time of year full of sledding, hot chocolate and snow balls to the face.

I suggest you find something about winter you enjoy; maybe this will help you remember when it’s coming next year. This year I’m going to suggest using water to freeze other people’s doors shut.

If that’s still not enough to remind you people, here’s a little trick I use to remember: Winter comes after tank top season because it’s Mother Nature’s way of telling freshmen boys to take a cold shower.

And it’s the best time of year to geek on.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science who is busy building an invincible snow fort. It’ll just go to waste because he doesn’t have any enemies. At least, none that survived last winter.

Send comments to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.