GEEK BEAT: Some final words from your favorite geek

I wish I could tell you guys I was doing something cool this summer.

I wish I could talk about how I’m going to some secret training camp for spies.

But no, I can’t do that, because I’m not allowed to do cool stuff anymore.

This summer, I’m going to grow up.

I got a job. A real job. Not the janitorial stuff I’ve done over previous summers to keep myself from shooting Mentos at zoo animals with a slingshot.

Rest assured, the next toilet I find myself up to my elbows in will have been clogged by me!

Wow, until I wrote that down and read it, I thought that was something to be excited about.

I hate when that happens.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure going the 9 to 5 grind is going to signify my official arrival into the world of adulthood.

I figured this would happen when I graduated high school, but I still watched “Reading Rainbow.”

Then I thought I would truly grow up when I came back from my mission, but it turned out I was still terrified of being locked in a closet with a cactus (don’t ask; please don’t ask). I thought maybe getting married would make me a real grown up, but I still eat candy I eat find in between the cushions (only when my wife isn’t home though).

I’m pretty sure the fourth time’s the charm. That’s what they say right?

So since I’m going to be an adult, I guess I need to find a cool adult hobby to get me through these long, responsible days. It’ll keep my skills sharp, my mind awake and my health insured.

Plus the high prices will keep my heart here at USU.

I’m thinking of taking up shopping for health insurance. It’s the epic struggle between man and the corporations.

From what I’ve gathered about real people, heath insuring is the ultimate hobby for grown ups. It’s kind of like smelling funny. Old people love this sort of crap. I mean, I love this sort of crap. I’m one of them now.

Wow, this may take some getting used to.

Besides this, I hope to take advantage of the spare time this new schedule affords to finish a few of the projects I’ve started over the years: finish my book, learn to play more than three cords on the guitar and find that pesky lost city of gold.

We’ll see how it works out. It’s not like I have much of a choice. While I’m sure the school would take my money, I don’t have any more to give.

So that’s it for me, no more college. It’s really weird after five years of my life being mostly limited to this town – and the Harry Potter fanfic forums on the Internet, of course – that I’m really going to leave this place.

However before I go, I couldn’t resist the temptation to be super cliché and share what I’ve learned during this period of growth.

Besides, I’m a grown up now. I’m full of unsolicited advice.

Don’t put too much stock in what people like me say. And yes, this includes what I’m saying right now.

If I’ve achieved nothing else as a columnist, I hope I’ve served as an example of just how low the standards for getting published really are.

If someone in the media says something, just remember chances are they just thought of it that morning in the shower.

Also don’t worry too much about changing your image. Change who you are, and sooner or later your image will catch up.

If someone gives you the choice between a poke in the eye and a mystery surprise box, take the box. There are a lot of things in this world worse than a poke in the eye, but most of them don’t fit in a mystery surprise box.

Finally, if a martial arts master of any kind wants to use you to demonstrate something, don’t act like it didn’t hurt. Just flop down on the ground because if the first thing they try on you doesn’t hurt, the next thing will.

Now if I could just wax nostalgic for a hundred words or so.

As I’m sure some of you have realized, this will be the last Geek Beat that will run in The Statesman. To those of you who have been with me for the full two and half years, thank you for making this social reject’s life-long dream come true.

A lot of people have asked me to make a book or CD collection of my columns. Apparently they haven’t caught on that I’m way too lazy and irresponsible to do anything like that.

If you’re ever interested in reading “classic” Shinney, you can find everything I’ve ever published in this paper at our Web site, www.utahstatesman.com. Until I come up with a new site, I’ll post any new stuff at my blog, www.thegeekbeat.blogspot.com. Feel free to stop by.

Once again, thank you for one heck of a geeky ride. I hope I’ve been able to make someone’s time at USU a little more fun. You’ve all sure made mine.

Geek over and out.

Steve Shinney is a senior majoring in computer science. Comments and questions can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.