GEEK BEAT: When it comes to decorating every man needs a little feng guy
Those of you who have taken note of the theme of today’s issue are probably really wondering what I could possibly have to say on such an issue as interior decorating.
You probably think there’s no way the guy who once punched a 10-year-old in the comic book shop for talking smack about Captain America would know the first thing about making an apartment more homey.
Wow, you just made a judgment about me without really knowing me.
That sort of makes you prejudice against geeks doesn’t it?
That’s kind of like being sexist.
You should kick yourself in the liver right now.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
In truth, my skill as a decorator goes far beyond the time my roommate drew a line down the middle of our room so that no one got confused. In fact, you could say that I am an expert in a little known school of decorating: Feng guy.
Feng guy is like feng shui but rather it focuses on how to be the manliest guy you can be, even though you’re married and your wife makes you have little soaps in the bathroom no one is allowed use.
When I got married, I knew I’d have to make some changes in the way I lived my life. I’d have to stop using a pile of dirty of clothes for a coffee table for example. But I made a promise to myself that I’d make as few as possible and only when my wife was looking.
So I learned that there are little ways you can retain your dignity, and if everyone will promise to help stop my wife from reading this column, I’ll share them with you (you’ll know it’s her because she’s the cutest one).
The first place you can use feng guy is in the kitchen, more specifically the fridge.
The way the food in the fridge is organized is a small aspect in decorating an apartment. If you want to win this small but crucial battle, you’ll need to keep all the crappy, unhealthy food right at eye level.
I can’t express how important this is. Do whatever you have to do to keep the cheese, hot dogs and soda where it’ll be the first thing your eyes see when you open that door.
Shuffle stuff around. Pour extra milk down the drain if you have to. Use the crisper drawer (few people know that the crisper drawer serves no purpose other than to keep fruits and vegetable where guys can’t see them). You’ll be glad you did.
The final frontier for Feng guy is the bathroom. There’s a lot of stuff going on in here that I just don’t get.
Like the towel situation.
As a single guy, I used one towel to dry everything. My wife – who is very low key towel-wise compared to a lot of women whose bathrooms I’ve used – has three.
There’s nothing you can do about the towel situation. You can’t control the number of lotions and creams that lay out on your counter. You can’t even ensure that your razor will always be your razor.
There is, however, one fixture in your bathroom that you can decorate the Feng guy way: the toilet.
The toilet seat should always be in the full upright locked position.
Every time the toilet seat is down, put it up. Even if you haven’t used it, put it up. Even if you’re in someone else’s house, put it up.
Like any other ancient philosophy, it’s impossible for me to express all of Feng guy in this column.
Let me just leave you with the basic tenets.
1) If it’s easy, do it.
2) If it bothers your wife, but not to the point where she’ll leave you, you should do it.
3) If it involves your dirty underwear, you should definitely do it.
Geek on.
Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science. His apartment is currently decorated with action figures and garbage. That’s it. Comments can be sent to him at steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.