GEEK BEAT: Who needs a doctor when I have aspirin?

I may have said before that I’m terrified of doctors. Not so much that if I saw one on the street I would run like a little baby who could run, but going to the doctor gives me the willies.

And no doctor can cure the willies.

I know it’s lame for someone with as much body hair as me to be afraid of members of the noble medical profession. It’s also lame that I hate penguins, but I ain’t changing.

Besides, there are only three doctors that have ever earned my trust: Doctor Mario, Doctor Who and, naturally, Dr. Quinn medicine woman.

Seriously though, has anyone ever had a positive experience at the doctor’s office?

I doubt it. If you’re like me (and I’m sure more of you are than would like to admit), the average visit to the doctor goes something like this:

You wake up. You’re tired, cranky and don’t want to get up. Then you realize you’re sick.

At first you think it’s great – you can stay in bed – but after a few hours marinating in your own disease, that doesn’t seem as cool anymore.

Someone will then convince you to go to the doctor. It’s not your fault, it’s theirs. You’re too sick to make a rational decision.

You always drag your feet to go, which of course causes you to build up enough static charge that when you try to open the door you really hurt yourself.

Then you have to sit it the waiting room. I could do the cliché thing and talk about how the magazines are all from the days when MC Hammer was still so legit that he could not quit (although I do remember him trying), but I never read them.

I prefer to peruse the fine selection of medical pamphlets so that I can learn about all kinds of horrible things that aren’t wrong with me and keep my eye open for anything I think I can fake to get out of helping people move.

As an interesting yet disgusting side note, it was through reading these pamphlets I learned you can get rid of tape worms by taking your pants off and squatting over a bowl of spoiled milk.

While that’s stirring around in your noodle, remember, that’s considered cutting-edge medicine in some places.

Then they “call you back,” which is doctor code for take you into a small room and have you sit on “bed” which is doctor code for funny looking table.

Then some doctor’s assistant comes and gives you the basic medical tests, writing down the results where you can’t see them.

If you do ask how you’re doing, they just say you’re average and leave the room. You look down at yourself and figure that a lot of fat and/or sick people come through this office and throw off the average in your favor.

Then the assistants do about the meanest thing they could ever do. They leave you without any further instructions. You’re just sitting there with no clue as to how long your wait will be and even worse, you have no idea whether or not you should take off your clothes.

Every movie or TV that has a doctor’s office scene, the protagonist is always sitting on the “bed” in his underwear (or her underwear, but that’s usually a different kind of movie) and there are certain doctor’s visits that do require some form of nudity. I’ve discovered the hard way that nine out of 10, however, are not this kind.

Do the doctors a favor, don’t take your clothes off unless they specifically tell you to. These guys see enough naked sick people. They don’t need to open a door and see you in all your glory.

I may hate doctors, but they don’t deserve to have to see me in my skivvies unless they ask for it.

Finally, the doctor comes in. He asks you a few questions and makes some notes. This would be OK, but they always follow it up by asking you to do something. Something good for you, which generally means it’s going to make you miserable.

You point out that you kept your clothes on, just for them, but they don’t care.

I wouldn’t mind if they told me I need to up my donut intake or that I need more radiation from a computer monitor, but no, they always have to tell me to up my fiber or stop sticking pens up my nose.

In the end, I always just go home, take two aspirin and then geek on in the morning.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science who firmly believes all medical care should be administered by a priest. Paladins, druid and the occasional shaman are also OK. Comments can be sent to him at steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.