Going hand to hand with Bigfoot

I have some good news.

I finally got that pesky chupacabra that’s been terrorizing Logan.

Funny story, I actually caught him in the bushes in front of my apartment complex. It turns out that he’s a bit of a peeping tom.

Now that I’ve got the legendary goatsucker boxed up in my closet, I need a new challenge.

Rather than waste my time on a challenge like learning to climb walls like Spider-man, at which I’m sure to excel, I’ve decided I’m ready for the Ultimate Challenge v. 2.2

Keep in mind all of my previous Ultimate Challenges don’t really count. Various circumstances have disqualified them all from contention. Like some inconclusive drug tests from when I tried to set the world record for toaster-waffle eating that just raised too many questions.

The International Toaster Waffle Eating Federation is a bureaucratic joke, but seriously, what isn’t these days?

But this new Ultimate Challenge should be different. I’m going after a prey that has eluded mankind for all most two centuries. I’m talking about the big one, Bigfoot.

Bigfoot is known by many names, Sasquatch, Skunkape, Nick, Jerkface, but one thing remains the same: somehow, this magnificent man/beast has avoided man’s many attempts to bring him to justice – captivity, I mean captivity.

I’m different though, and I’m not just talking about how I go into a fitful rage every time I hear the word “Swatch.”

There are reasons why I will succeed where weaker people have failed.

First off, I’m mentally more prepared than those others.

After 20 minutes of hard research consisting of a Google image search and a quick perusal of the Wiki page on the subject, I think I may have found a weakness that I can exploit to put the beast in his place.

Chocolate pudding.

I’ve never known man nor beast that could resist chocolate pudding. I’ll just bait him with a small bush that, instead of the usual twigs and berries he normally eats, will offer delicious and nutritious pudding pops.

And before he can grunt, “how do you get this stupid metal foil off?” BAM – cardboard box, right over his head.

My mental edge in this battle goes beyond basic scientific knowledge: I’m in his head.

I know what it’s like to be a hated, hairy freak of nature, scorned and doubted by the civilized world. I’ve been standing on a chair, too, so now I know what it’s like to be tall.

OK, I’ll admit it. I’m jealous of Bigfoot. When I was young, I made a genetic decision to give up any chance of growing to a respectable height in exchange for a disturbing amount of body hair. I’ve never looked back, but sometimes when I look at Bigfoot and see how he has the best of both worlds, it irks me a bit.

But this battle is not personal. It’s about more than that time I was a kid and I was camping with my family and when I came back from a hike all my trail mix was missing. My dad told me it was Bigfoot that ate it, and on that day, I swore vengeance.

But despite my lifelong blood feud with Bigfoot, this not about that. It’s about what’s best for the American people, and what’s best for the American people is watching me beat the snot out of that overgrown monkey on a major Pay-Per-View event.

Another reason I’m pretty sure that I can win this battle is I’ve been working out a bit. I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve been meaning to start running again and I did a pushup the other day.

Really, this battle is so one-sided that I kinda feel bad for the mystic wonder of the woods. He’s a slow, giant oaf. I’m faster than a butterfly. He hides from the public eye. You guys can’t get rid of me. He eats anything. I’m harmful when swallowed. How can I lose?

Don’t answer that.

Just geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently carving dirty words into the Bigfoot monster truck’s paint job with his keys. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.