Harry Potter is literally all that matters
A major event happened this week, the type of thing you couldn’t avoid even if you tried. Judging by the reactions from millions of fans across the globe, it may as well have been a holiday. One of the most universally beloved entities of this generation was front and center in every overheard conversation and social media post.
There was also a football game or whatever, but I’m talking about the announcement of the new Harry Potter book. Well, not exactly a book the way the other seven were direct sequels to each other, but still enough of a book that people are going absolutely bonkers over it.
Future President of Planet Earth J.K. Rowling announced that the script of her upcoming play “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” will be published as a book this summer. The play — split into two parts so Rowling can line both her yacht and her spaceship with the money she earns from millions of aging 20-somethings clinging to their childhoods — takes place 19 years after the conclusion of her last official publication.
Apparently this is a big deal, since Harry Potter seven came out over eight years ago and Rowling has been living in seclusion ever since.
Ha, just kidding. Rowling has actually made an annoying habit of releasing new canonical information about the destinies of her characters and other peripheral facts for years, to the extent that now you can’t just read her books off the shelves and know the full story for any of her main characters.
Did you know Dumbledore was gay, and that Harry and Hermione probably should’ve wound up together, and that Neville Longbottom lives above a pub when he’s not busy being the “cool” professor at Hogwarts? Not if you haven’t been keeping up with Rowling’s endless Twitter revelations. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ve all been compiled into a Buzzfeed list by now — capitalizing on childhood nostalgia is sort of their thing.
Look, I’ve read the books, seen the movies and generally enjoyed the Harry Potter universe for what it is. I just find it hilarious how people get so weird about Harry Potter. I hate to use the “my generation” label, but it feels like this one really is on us. Priorities for the 20-something crowd appear limited to pretending we’re serious about politics, and clinging to every shred of Harry Potter news available.
The Potter script-turned-book managed to drown out everything that came before it this week in the news. Cam Newton a sore loser? Doesn’t matter — Harry Potter.
Was the Super Bowl halftime show too on-the-nose with its various political messages? Shush — Harry Potter.
How about the fact that the patron saint of misinformed college kids Bernie Sanders and sci-fi B-movie villain Donald Trump just won victories in New Hampshire? Shut up, grab the broom from your apartment’s dirty closet and buy a freaking owl because this week literally nothing matters except Harry Potter.
Even the second-best member of Destiny’s Child and reigning queen of media over-saturation Beyonce Knowles has to take a backseat to almighty Harry Potter. That’s some serious brand power — the last time anyone managed to steal the spotlight from Beyonce, Kanye West had to leap onstage and restore balance to the universe.
What’s happening here seems obvious. Rowling sees extended universes like Star Wars and the interconnected Marvel films and sees dollar signs. There’s nothing wrong with that; I wouldn’t necessarily even call it greedy. Her work is in demand so by all means, produce more of it. But maybe fans ought to chill a little before any actual real-world children are burdened with a name like Albus Severus — because you just know that’s going to happen to some poor kid.
I’m interested in what may come of this new book, but I’m left wondering if I can even admit to liking Harry Potter in mixed company without being hounded about what form my patronus would take. I’ve got no beef with hardcore fans, be they sports fans or lovers of fictional universes, but before we crown JK Rowling for her merciful decision to publish again we should acknowledge that this is all a little extreme.
— Logan Jones is a junior majoring in journalism. His patronus takes the form of Marshawn Lynch. Contact him at logantjones@aggiemail.usu.edu or on Twitter @Logantj.