I don’t anymore
Ninety percent of all students at Utah State University will be married by the time they graduate college, according to a study conducted by USU in conjunction with the Governor’s Commission on Marriage released in 2004. Unfortunately, not all of those students will still be married by graduation.
John George, a senior in political science, was married July 4, 2002, just before his sophomore year in college.
“I did much better in school and with finances during my marriage,” George said, noting his family was was the motivating factor.
George’s wife, whom he called his “high school sweet heart,” moved from Idaho to be with him and shortly after, their daughter Olivia was born. George said he worked and went to school full time while his wife was a stay-at-home mom.
“I was never home,” George said. “She didn’t know anybody, [and] when I got home, I just wanted to go to bed.
“We were split up by the end of May 2004,” George said.
On average, people in Utah get married 3.5 years younger than the national average. Statistically, about 38.6 percent of marriages between the ages of 20-24 in the United States will end in divorce. In Utah, this percentage drops to around 35 percent.
“They are getting married too young,” said Thorana Nelson, a USU professor in family, consumer and human development. “They are not taking the time to explore themselves as individuals.”
Between going to college, working, going to the gym and trying to maintain a marriage, students experience “a pile-up effect of stress,” Nelson said. “There is just no time for college students to develop relationships.”
With all their time being consumed, students are losing their sense of self, Nelson said, and you need to understand yourself in order to relate to another. This may explain the high divorce rate among young adults, she said.
Nelson said the number of students seeking treatment for marital problems is not proportionate with the number of married students on campus.
“This could be cultural,” Nelson said, pointing out that students may be going to their religious leaders, such as LDS bishops for assistance. “If that helps, it is a great way to deal with it.”
One reason that marital therapy doesn’t seem to be as effective is that “people come too late,” Nelson said. Either way, it is important to seek help if you are having problems in marriage, Nelson said.
“Some students do better in marriages,” Nelson said. “If they have similar goals and interests, it is a major support for them. It just depends on the person.”
George now pays child support and half of the doctor bills, he said. Though his social life hasn’t really been affected, George said “girls were stand off-ish” in dating at first until they got to know him and Olivia better.
Now, he said, things are tough with his ex-wife because of custody agreements. He said he wants more time with Olivia because he misses her.
“I would suggest waiting until after college to get married,” George said. There just isn’t the time to build relationships, he said. “It is tough to deal with, especially with so many other things to worry about.”
More than one-fourth of women in Utah get married at 19 or younger and 18 percent of those marriages will end within the first two years, according to the 2004-released study.
Nicole Hostetler, a freshman studying technical theater, said she agrees with George and that getting married after college would have helped her out a lot. Hostetler was 22 when she was married and she said her husband was already graduated and in the Army. They then moved out to New York, where she said she planned to go to school. “I intended to go to school, but it just never happened,” Hostetler said.
“I had to work and my husband was deployed a lot of the time,” said Hostetler. They were married for three years and later divorced, which she said took two years. She said now she has a lot of debt linked through her marriage and because she has no degree, she has to take a lot of low-paying jobs.
“The financial aspect was the toughest part of the divorce,” Hostetler said. “I was lucky I had a gaggle of good friends to help out.”
Marriage is very different in Utah, Hostetler said, and “Views seem to be spearheaded by the religion.”
She said she feels there is so much emphasis on marriage that it becomes a pressure and seems like the act of being married is more important than finding a connection with someone.
“The emphasis on marriage makes me not want to be open about my divorce,” Hostetler said. Social life problems on campus are more a reflection of age, she said, but that is because of her marriage.
“After the breakup, I realized there were a whole range of experiences I missed out on,” she said, citing things like a regular college life, dating and relationships.
Both George and Hostetler said they are more open about their divorces now that there has been some healing time.
“Being divorced is nothing to be ashamed of,” George said. “I know there are more of us out there.”
He said people just have to realize that sometimes things happen. “You just have to be ready when life throws you a curve ball.”
-nwl@cc.usu.edu
(Michael Sharp)