Infertility challenges couples
Some might say it takes more to be a mom than just giving birth to a child. In the case of Kristen and Mandy they’d be right.
“I told Mandy she was really special and had two mommas,” said Kristen.
Jumping off of a tall-wooden kitchen stool Mandy showed-off her gymnastics. Landing a perfect dismount in the living room she smiled broadly. Her mom Kristen watched Mandy looking both concerned and amused. Unable to hold still, Mandy quickly abandoned her dismount-pose and ran fitfully around the living room, while sending mom quick smiles.
Kristen and husband Ryan are the proud parents of two adopted children, Corbin, 6 and Mandy, 3. Married in Logan, Kristen is a former teacher and Ryan is a human resources director.
“Being the recipient of two adopted children has been the greatest positive in our lives,” said Ryan. But for this couple, receiving children came after years of bitterness, heartache and resentment because of infertility.
“We were determined to get pregnant . . . yeah we tried, we’re still trying,” said Kristen, “We tried not to think about it for a while.”
Kristen and Ryan are not alone. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine one in 10 American couples is infertile. Today, in vitro fertilization, surgeries, artificial insemination, and fertility drugs are some options for couples who are unable to get pregnant. Except for couples like Ryan and Kristen, sometimes the options run out.
“We just got burned out spending a lot of money,” said Kristen.
While they were trying to get pregnant, five babies were born into Kristen’s family and nine in Ryan’s. Kristen said she found herself asking, “She’s having another baby. How do they do that?”
Without success time dragged on and even family members grew critical.
“Just because you can’t have a child doesn’t mean everyone else is going to stop having children,” said one family member to Kristen.
Kristen said she couldn’t believe family would say something so hurtful, but at the same time she acknowledged that her own behavior was very much out of character.
“If you knew me you wouldn’t believe some of the things I did,” said Kristen. Usually outgoing and social, Kristen began hiding from the problem. She said she got Caller ID to avoid certain conversations; she shut the blinds, didn’t answer the door, stopped attending family get-togethers, and never attended baby showers.
“It’s very hard on the woman,” said Ryan, “I gradually learned how to handle it.”
Ryan said part of the trouble they had was the many communication mistakes he made with Kristen. He said he would say things like . . . Why don’t you try feeling this way instead? Or . . . Don’t worry about it everything will be fine.
Kristen said she grew frustrated because she felt like Ryan should understand how she felt. She said his comments caused her to feel deflated, like her greatest trial in the world was being minimized.
“Men want to fix and be done with it. The male perspective is you believe you can fix anything, but if you get into a problem quick fixes don’t work,” said Ryan, “Women don’t want you to fix it because they know you can’t.”
Kristen added, “There really isn’t anything anyone else can do to rescue you from it. You have to trudge through raw emotion.”
“The key is to just listen,” said Ryan.
But Kristen disagreed and interrupted saying, “validate, validate, validate.”
“Just listen,” said Ryan.
“No don’t listen. Validate,” said Kristen.
Smiling at his wife, Ryan said, “Just agree.”
“There were some challenging discussions but overall it helped our marriage,” said Ryan.
Relief finally came after the coupled decided it was time to try adoption. Both parents’ eyes grew moist as Ryan recalled seeing their first child, two-day-old Corbin, in an incubator.
“It was weird when we looked at him,” said Kristen. “At the hotel we thought, are we really his parents?” said Ryan.
Kristen said, “We didn’t have the nine months to get attached.”
Overall, Kristen and Ryan agree that getting through the struggles of infertility has made them a stronger couple.
But as Mandy started to cry in the background, Kristen laughed as she went to check on her and said, “Ryan and I don’t know if we have enough oomph to do a third child.”