LDS Family Services offers help and comfort
Editor’s note: some names have been changed to protect identity
Knowing where to turn as a single expectant mother or as a married couple unable to have children can be difficult. But when faced with these trials, it is nice to know that help and comfort can be found through LDS Family Services.
LDS Family Services work with birth mothers and birth fathers to help place their child in an adoptive family. Sandy Burborough of the Logan LDS Family Service office said they also work with couples looking at adopting and adding to their family. LDS Family Service offices are located throughout the country.
Burborough said November is both Utah and National Adoption Awareness month and they want individuals to know they are here to help.
“This is one of the most lonely experiences single birth mothers go through,” Burborough said.
Lynn is one birth mother who went to Logan LDS Family Services to seek help and comfort when placing her baby for adoption.
Lynn said she was 18 years old and attending USU when she received the news she was pregnant. She said after finding out she was expecting, she planned on parenting the child.
“I’m LDS,” she said, “and in the LDS culture you are brought up saying you’re suppose to be a mom. At first I cried for a long long time. But then I got excited.”
Lynn said after looking at the situation, the birth father was not financially or mentally stable to raise the child but she wanted the baby.
However, Lynn said she knew it was not the best choice.
“I didn’t want my baby to ever want anything,” she said. “I want to give her dance and ballet lessons. I never wanted her to go without Christmas.”
Lynn said she then went to LDS Family Services but entered with a negative attitude.
“I went with the attitude that I didn’t want to place for adoption. I get attached easily,” Lynn said. “But the more I talked to the caseworker, I realized it wasn’t the best choice for me to be a mom.”
Lynn said after deciding she was going to place her child for adoption, she began to look through profiles of couples wanting to adopt. She said after telling her roommate of her decision, she became informed of her roommate’s aunt and uncle who had been trying to adopt for nearly seven years.
Lynn said she talked to the couple on the phone to see if they matched the qualifications she was looking for in the adoptive parents. She said some qualifications they needed to possess were having other children, having a college education, a member of the LDS church and a love for music and the outdoors.
Lynn said when she was 20 weeks along, she met the couple face-to-face and told them she would like to place her baby with their family. However, Lynn said she knew the actual placing of the baby would be the most difficult part.
“I prepared myself for the worse,” she said. “I just went through nine months and I knew I’d be an emotional wreck.”
Lynn said she now has no regrets of placing her baby with adoption.
“It was a huge weight off my shoulders,” she said. “The baby is number one. It is not you anymore. I had already made my choice and because of that I was bringing a baby into this world.”
Skyler, a 21-year-old USU student had been dating her boyfriend for a year. She said she received news she was pregnant the day after Christmas.
Skyler said after telling the birth father she was expecting, he wanted her to have an abortion. She said he wanted her to move away or leave so he could be OK. Skyler said he even told her not to tell her parents and she said she obeyed his request and kept it from them for three months.
However, Skyler said after telling her parents they became a great comfort in her life.
“They still loved me and were my rocks the entire time,” she said.
Skyler said after knowing she was expecting, she was determined to be a single parent. She said she researched everything from apartments to insurance. Skyler said her parents had their idea of what they wanted her to do with the baby but they wanted her to make her own choice.
“I had made my choice and it was time for me to be responsible,” she said. “At the beginning you have no idea what to think.”
Skyler said she began to look at every option available.
“I had to make an educated decision,” she said. “I had to know everything.”
Skyler said she began attending adoption classes because she wanted to know every side of adoption. She said after 24 weeks she knew adoption was the best choice for her.
After she made her decision, Skyler said she began to look through profiles of adoptive couples.
“I wanted to give the baby everything from a father, a brother and sister, to an eternal family, love and never question if he was unwanted,” she said.
Skyler said when choosing the adoptive parents, she also knew what she wanted in the family. She said the family could not have guns or hunt, had to be married more than eight years, received a college education, be tall and they had to specifically mention that they enjoyed playing basketball. Skyler said open adoption was also a must when searching for a family with which to place the child.
According to Burborough, 70 percent of birth parents and adoptive couples choose to have an open adoption. LDS Family Services Web site, www.providentliving.org, said an open adoption refers to how much correspondence and contact the birth mother will have with the family before and after the birth of their child. The Web site said how much contact the birth mother has with family depends on what is decided after placement.
Skyler said after finding a family she liked, she had a face-to-face meeting with the family. She said she had an instant love for the family and had many similarities which helped confirm her decision.
“I know my baby’s adoptive father is meant to be his father,” she said. “He has qualities I want my son to have.”
However, after delivering and placing the baby with the family, Skyler said life continued to be difficult.
“I came back to school and people were stressed out about writing a one-page paper,” she said. “Well, I just gave birth.”
Eighteen-year-old Jean found out she was expecting a child during her first year at USU. Jean said she is from an eastern state and didn’t want to tell her parents. She said her boyfriend was the only one she had to talk to.
Jean said she and her boyfriend knew they were not ready to raise a child and began looking into profiles and adoption before going to LDS Family Services and speaking with a caseworker. She said both she and her boyfriend picked their favorite profiles and they happened to be the same couple.
However, Jean said after meeting the couple she discovered the adoptive mother was also expecting and was as far along in her pregnancy as Jean was. She said after thinking about the situation she wondered if the couple’s biological baby would be loved more than hers. So Jean said they decided to choose another couple.
“We chose a different couple who had a little girl,” she said. “When I saw the girl, I knew she was supposed to be my baby’s sister.”
Jean said when coming to LDS Family Services, she knew her choice was different than most girls. She said she knew marriage was an option in her life but said she knew that neither her or her boyfriend were financially ready to give him anything.
“When we were in the hospital, thoughts of marriage and keeping the baby came up and it was stressful,” Jean said. “I didn’t anticipate our relationship would survive, but placing our baby has brought us closer together.”
Burborough said LDS Family Services is a free and confidential facility. She said an individual does not need to be LDS to receive their help. She said they are here to help and have helped birth mothers from 11 to 41 years old.
Skyler said if an individual finds herself in a situation that she needs help to make sure she looks at all of her options.
“Personally, abortion was not an option. The baby comes first and it’s not just the baby’s life that is affected, it’s a bunch of people,” she said. “Don’t be selfish.”
Mark and Shauna McNeil are a young, local family to whom LDS Family Services helped bring great joy. When 16 years old, Shauna was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
Because of this trial in her life, Shauna said she knew there was a chance she could conceive children but only with the help of fertility or other medical testing. Shauna said after marrying Mark and taking fertility pills she conceived their first son Tyler, now 6 years old. Shauna said she hated being on the fertility pills because it was an emotional rollercoaster. She said one moment she would be angry and the next depressed. Mark said it was even an adventure for him.
“It was like having her pregnant for three years,” he said.
However, the difficulty of conceiving kids took its toll on Shauna.
“It’s frustrating,” she said. “When you can’t get pregnant, you blame yourself.”
Mark said he and Shauna began taking classes on fertility issues. He said these classes discussed why people can’t get pregnant and different options available. He said after looking at the price of medical testing, and knowing he didn’t want to see his wife go through that, he said they applied for adoption.
Shauna said they applied for adoption in 2005 and began the process of the adoption paperwork. Shauna said their personal profile questions asked a lot about themselves, their extended family, their interests and their financial situation.
Mark said they also filled out a preference checklist where they were given the opportunity to pick particular characteristics about their child they wanted to adopt.
Shauna said after waiting, in 2007 Burborough asked the couple if they would be willing to house a birthmother who needed some help. Shauna said the girl backed out but Burborough knew they were willing and gave them another girl to temporarily house shortly after.
Shauna said for the first week, she and Mark were on their best behavior. She said they would try and include the girl as much as possible by playing games and eating meals together. She said the birth mom then went home for Thanksgiving and when returning to their home, had decided she was going to place her baby with Mark and Shauna.
Mark said they decided it would be an open adoption because of the love they had acquired for the birth mom.
“She is family. She is not just a friend, she is part of us now,” he said. “There are no words to describe the birth mother. This makes us understand life a lot better.”
Shauna said a difficult time for her was after the little girl, Maleina, was born. She said the birth mother took Maleina for four days so she could spend more time with the little girl. Shauna said she and Mark couldn’t sleep and had a difficult time waiting to make sure the birth mother did not change her mind.
After four days, the baby was placed in the McNeil household and everyone was excited including big brother Tyler.
“He was very excited,” Mark said. “In his prayers he would ask for a baby. We didn’t even provoke it.”
Logan LDS Family Services is located at 175 W. 1400 North, Suite A or can be contacted at 752-3052.
–courtnie.packer@aggiemail.usu.edu