Let mistakes make you better

I’ve been working on a story about suicide — look for it in the next few issues — and it’s been a really eye-opening experience.

No, not because I’m shocked at how many people contemplate suicide or because I’ve been saddened by the loss that survivors feel when a loved one passes — though I do feel for them. It’s mostly because, amidst this research process, I’ve really thought about my own experiences with suicide.

I remember being depressed at times as a child, crying to my stuffed animals until I fell asleep. I remember fighting with my family members and trying to wait patiently until God worked everything out.

It really started in middle school, though. I remember everyone was depressed. I remember I felt like all my friends were either anorexic or cutting. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way — that’s just how it was.

A classmate of mine took her life when we were in eighth grade. She was a friend, but we didn’t go to the same church anymore and didn’t have classes together. I remember making eye contact with her the day before she died and deciding not to say hello.

I remembered that experience for a long time. I spoke about her at our high school graduation. I talked about what an impact she had on my life because I never wanted anyone to feel as lonely as she must have felt. That’s part of why I was so nice to everyone in high school. I didn’t want her death to be in vain.

Then I came to college where no one knew me. I didn’t have three older siblings who had paved the way for my good reputation like I did in high school. It was a whole other ball game, and I quit thinking about Amber so much.

It was easier to think of myself and my own insecurities. It was easier not to turn to friends because I didn’t have as many.

Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been both happy and sad for my whole life, but coming to college is hard. Everything in life is hard. And when you screw up, it’s easy to think that maybe you’re the reason why life is so hard. But that’s not true.

Spring break was really relaxing for a lot of people, and that’s awesome. But for me it was full of some really high points and really low points. The cause of my highs and lows is, quite frankly, none of your business, but I know I can’t be the only one who had a rough week.

My article quoting professionals and students who are not associated with the newspaper won’t be published for another week or so, but why should I wait to tell students who are struggling that they aren’t alone?

I’m hard on myself, and I know it. A lot of us are. And it probably stems from good intentions and wanting to be your best self. But sometimes you have to accept that you can’t change the past. Your mistakes are there to help you grow.

When you really think about the times when you’ve changed the most in your life, do they stem from some amazing, grand achievement? I’d venture to say they stem from moments of weakness, and fighting to overcome or move past that weakness is what made you stronger and got you attention for being so wonderful.

So if you’re struggling, struggle on. I know that life is hard, and things happen that temporarily blind you to all but your own pathetic state. But don’t let them blind you for too long. Open your eyes and see that you can overcome it.

Soon you won’t see yourself as pathetic, and you’ll quit selling yourself short.

— Mariah Noble is graduating at the end of the semester. She is the editor-in-chief of The Utah Statesman. Please send comments to m.noble@aggiemail.usu.edu.