LETTER: Homosexual men are needed

Editor,

The Utah Statesman has been rife with articles about homosexuality lately. We’ve all read the articles from the dourest of each side. In this letter, I will explain why I not only condone homosexuality, but encourage it.

Gay men are the paragon of a woman’s desire. They are clean, well-dressed, urbane men with great hair. Gay men love to shop, dance and socialize. They workout, drive nice cars, and are very affectionate. They also disdain stereotyping. The only feature they lack, much to the chagrin of females, is the desire to be with a woman.

A straight guy like myself is starkly different. I look like a troll. I wear clothing because I’ll be arrested if I don’t. The tattered, stained rags that clothe this scrawny body make a pig point his hoof and laugh. I refuse to style, wash, look at, or consider my hair. My personality could be bottled and sold as woman repellent. My car is a small step above a motorized piece of the large intestine. If I was given the choice between shopping and dancing I would easily choose to hold my breath until I was dead.

If you were/are a woman, you would undoubtedly prefer a gay man over a man like myself. And this alone is why homosexuality must persist and expand.

When gay men hook-up, simultaneously two ideal men are removed from the singles’ market, thus statistically increasing my chances with women. If homosexuality was to spread over the world affecting every man but me, women would have no choice but to mud-wrestle for my affection. And so you see – attraction by default.

So, I fully encourage homosexuality for the benefit of we, the heterosexual repulsive men. Loathsome men, join me in my cause! Provoke, persuade and foment homosexuality among your peers. Thank and embolden you homosexual friends. Chant with me: “Default, default, default…”

Of course, for my plan to succeed, I must strongly discourage homosexuality among women. (Yes, that is a double standard.)

Kevin Isakson