Logan’s LDS adoption agency helps girls through the process
It’s a pain none of them would wish upon anyone – not even Hitler, one said. The rest nodded.
Of all the experiences the eight girls gathered for “group” have had, becoming pregnant and placing the baby for adoption is one that, while none would take away, they would never wish upon another person.
Every one of the girls – whose ages range from 17 to 22 – have placed their babies through LDS Family Services, an adoption agency based in Salt Lake City. The agency has hubs all over the state and surrounding areas, including Logan. About half of the girls used Logan’s agency.
These eight girls are just part of the current group of to-be and current mothers working through the agency. After the adoption process, many girls continue to use the agency’s services by attending “group” every week, where they can talk among themselves about their lives, experiences and feelings.
Katrina, 21, who placed a baby almost a year ago, called the group a support group.
“It’s very educational,” she said. But, at the same time, she said it’s a place “you can just go and break down.”
The other girls agreed.
Jena, 19, placed about two months ago, and said the group meetings were where she was assured the pain wouldn’t last forever.
After going through the adoption and after-adoption process together, the entire group “comes out being friends,” 17-year-old Kat said. Kat placed her baby last spring and is graduating early from Logan High School with a 4.0 GPA.
All of them are in different situations. A few are students at Utah State University. A few study at Bridgerland Applied Technology College. Almost all are working. And, they’re all adamant that they’re not the sluts, floozies and druggies they say most think of girls who get pregnant while not married.
“It could happen to anyone,” Krysti, 21, said.
A lot of people are having sex, she said. But usually only the girls who get pregnant have to live with the consequences – rarely are the fathers held accountable.
Stacie, 18, said while most think the girls place their babies for adoption for selfish reasons, it is “definitely not something we do for ourselves.”
“It’s because we love them,” she said.
They all agreed that while they wrestled with whether to place or parent their child throughout the entire pregnancy, in the end, adoption was the right decision.
“You know it’s the right thing,” Stacie said. “You just don’t want to accept it.”
Cali, 22, who’s married and pregnant, placed a baby three years ago in Salt Lake City.
“We are making the decision [to adopt] for the child,” she said. “We want them to be as happy as they can be – not because we don’t want them, but because we love them and want the best for them.”
They said part of the reason they decided on adoption was because of the information they learned at the adoption agency.
The case workers, they said, “pop the bubble” and make them think about reality.
“When they tell you you’re going to be working at least 40 hours a week and 35 of those will cover daycare for the baby,” Krysti, 21, said, “you realize what a better life your baby could have somewhere else.”
All the girls spoke of what a hard decision it was.
Krysti, who placed 18 months ago in Idaho, said at the time, she felt like she was the only person going through the experience.
“You’re alone,” she said. “The world is over. You do not know pain before [the adoption].”
And while these girls are going through the mental anguish an adoption brings, they all say the attitudes of those around them adds a lot to the pain.
“We are so afraid of what people think,” Cali said.
They feel as if everyone is judging them, Katrina said.
Jena said it still scares her to go over to other people’s houses where she hasn’t been since before the pregnancy.
Jackie, 22, placed a little over a year ago, and said she has family members who disagree with her decision.
“It’s hard to have someone reject you for the most important thing you’ve ever done,” she said.
Louise, Kat’s mother, said she’s seen the treatment her daughter received during and after the pregnancy.
“Good parents won’t allow their good children to hang out with her,” she said sarcastically. Ironically, what Kat needed the most at the time was to have good friends, she said.
“People are very ignorant,” she said.
The peak of the experience, the girls said, is actually placing the baby in the adoptive parent’s arms. Most of the girls had met with the parents at least once during their pregnancy.
While the actual placing is undeniably difficult, many said they felt a peace when they did it. And many said the baby helped them feel that way.
“It’s something very special,” Krysti said. “You have a feeling that your baby knows. It’s almost like he’s saying, ‘it’s OK.'”
“[The babies] are very comforting,” 20-year-old Andria said. “It’s bittersweet.”
It’s the hours and days after the placement that the girls said was the hardest.
“Getting out of bed is so hard,” Krysti said. “You revert to being a child.”
The girls said people told them that afterward they would feel empty. They interpreted that as emotionally emptiness, they said, and were surprised to find the physical emptiness as well.
“It just hurts,” Jena said. “My whole body just ached.”
She, and others, said holding their stomach felt like a natural instinct after the baby was gone. That, and rocking back and forth – for hours and hours.
Louise, who adopted Kat 17 years ago, said she thought she knew what it was like to feel empty – without a child.
“Nothing prepared me for this,” she said. “The pain she went through … was so horrible.”
Jackie said after the adoption people have asked “was that hard?”
“People just do not understand,” she said. “It’s not like giving away a puppy.”
It does get better though, they say.
“It took me a long time to quit hating myself,” Krysti said.
But, just recently, Krysti said a man walked into her work and overheard her talking about adoption, she said. He asked how she knew as much as she did, so she told him. He went straight to her and hugged her, she said.
“He said he was adopted,” she said. “He was in the process of searching for his birth mom. He told me how grateful he was for people like me.”
Realizing how happy the adoptive parents are is a big help, all the girls said.
“They’re so happy,” Andria said. “It’s so awesome.”
“Our pain is their joy,” Jena said.
And, they’ve grown. Incredibly, they say.
“I feel like I’m 18 going on 30,” Stacie said.
“We’re not in our age group anymore,” Krysti said. “Most things just don’t seem as important as they once were.”
And, again, that pain is something they want no one to have to endure.
Jackie said she’s watching one of her five sisters take the same path she did and said she can’t even explain her frustration, anger and fear for her sister.
“We don’t wish this pain on anyone,” Jena said, emphasizing the word anyone.
“Girls need to know that it’s not cool,” Andria said. “It sucks. It just sucks. I just want to tell every girl, ‘just don’t have sex. It’s not worth it.'”
-emilieholmes@cc.usu.edu