Managing healthy relationships during the holidays

The holiday season is a time for family gatherings and long-awaited reunions, but it can increase pressure and stress on relationships.  

Phillip Estes, the senior project coordinator of Healthy Relationships Utah, is working to spread the word about the research-based website that can be found on Utah State University Extension at Healthy Relationships Utah | USU.  

“I would love Extension to get the word out with all these free resources,” Estes said. “We’ve done this for over 16 years now. We’re over 90,000 people served in that time, and over 5,500 unique classes or courses in that time.” 

The website has many free resources and classes for students, parents or anyone who would like to participate. 

“Even if you are in good relationships, maybe you can do even better,” Estes said. “It’s not just for people that kind of need the relationship amulets.” 

Estes and his coworkers have tried to hire Spanish-speaking staff to make more inclusive classes. 

Some of the free courses offered include “Smart Dating: Avoid Falling for a Jerk or Jerkette,” “Parenting the Love and Logic Way” and “Smart Steps for Stepfamilies.” 

Estes said the smart dating course follows the Relationships Attachment Model.  

“It’s made up of five components,” Estes said. “There’s know, trust, rely, commit and touch.” 

The components fall in that order for a reason. 

“The idea is that you never would want the following component higher than where you’re at with the preceding one,” Estes said. 

Through a virtual interview, Naomi Brower, an extension professor and certified family life educator, said that avoiding conflict around the holidays is not the best way to handle the strain. 

“I think that anytime you get enough people together you’re going to have conflict,” Brower said. “Oftentimes, people want to avoid conflict. But I think rather than avoiding conflict, it’s better to say, ‘Let’s manage conflict.’” 

Brower said that problems can arise more often in the winter months because people are stuck indoors and are around each other more frequently. 

“Conflict can actually help you strengthen relationships because conflict is really just a difference in opinions,” Brower said. “So if you can talk through those conflicts, you can have a better understanding of each other.” 

Estes said for those who celebrate the holidays, budgeting problems can also arise. 

“Some things that people should keep in mind during this time of the year is to keep a healthy budget for gifts and for just holiday spending in general,” Estes said. “Sometimes people do have a big heart, and sometimes they get overexcited and maybe spend more than they should.” 

Ben Schafler, a first-year student at USU, found that monetary challenges arise more frequently after starting college. 

“We get to see everyone around the holidays,” Schafler said. “It might also be hard because I mean, I can’t see every one of my family members on Christmas.” 

Brower said when situations do get heated, it’s best to calmly talk it out. 

“If there’s something that you feel really strongly about that you want to talk about, then talk to them when you’re not in a heated moment,” Brower said. “Take them in a private space and talk to them about it.” 

Brower said if the problem is not important, sometimes redirecting or dropping the conversation is beneficial because people will usually let things go. 

“If that doesn’t work, you can try and de-escalate the conflict by keeping your voice calm or your body language relaxed, letting the other person know that you’re listening to them,” Brower said. “When you respond calmly, oftentimes other people will follow.” 

While many stressors can come during the winter months, Estes said self-care is a great thing for any relationship. 

“People need to really make sure that they’re not forgetting about self-care, whether that’s morning meditation or working out or serving their communities,” Estes said. “There’s just endless ways of doing that and it’s individual for each person.” 

There are four tips Brower recommends people use to manage a healthy relationship. 

“The first is acknowledging what your own needs are and your own limits and boundaries,” Brower said. “The second thing is aiming to keep things positive. So, you know, stopping to think before you respond.” 

Brower recommended keeping things light with humor. 

“The third one is when there are differences of opinions, instead of getting frustrated and having things escalate, get curious,” Brower said. “So, find out. Why does the other person think and feel the way that they do?” 

Brower said listening to people, making them feel heard and seeing other points of view can help people agree to disagree. 

“The final one I had was picking your battles,” Brower said. “Sometimes, I think people just want to see how you’re going to react.”