MOVIE REVIEW: ‘The Tuxedo’ is tired and predictable — Grade D
OK, I didn’t like “Sweet Home Alabama.” But “The Tuxedo” makes “Home” look like an Oscar contender for Best Picture.
And yes, “Tuxedo” really was that bad.
This film had so many comic possibilities, but turned out to be nothing more than a cheap rip-off of a designer movie.
Initial blame for this water-soaked excuse of a movie goes to its screen writers. Michael J. Wilson and Michael Lesson gave the actors nothing but tired, predictable, routine and jumbled subject matter to work with. I don’t care who you are as an actor, you can’t make something like this work. It would take a miracle. And I’m sorry, but this film seems to be fresh out of them.
This 99-minute film felt like twice that. I found myself watching the time, not the movie. I really wanted it to end. There was little to laugh at, and the plot was so ridiculous I felt like I was drowning. Yet, in reality, the film was drying up with dehydration. It was incoherent and filled with sketch comedy that made no difference to the film.
Then there was the film’s star. Like so many other Jackie Chan movies, this one relied on his rubber face and action shots to make a splash. But Chan didn’t deliver on this one. It was like he was all dressed up in a fancy tux with no place to go.
Chan plays New York City cab driver James Tong (you can guess where this is going, after all it is a spy thriller knock off). He is mistaken for his secret-agent boss and must try to stop the evil plan before it can ruin the world. Like I said, a tired concept from the start.
He is teamed with Jennifer Love Hewitt as Agent Del Blaine, the young idealist ready to prove herself in the field. Hewitt was the only redeeming thing about this movie, and that is hard to swallow.
Her best scene was while on a stakeout. Her fighting left much to be desired, but her timing actually worked.
Too bad Chan’s didn’t. And yes, I mean both his timing and his fighting. True, he is nearing 50, but the limited fight scenes were nothing more than wire tricks and computer manipulation. It was easy to see he was not performing up to par. The editing didn’t hide the fact he was being assisted in almost every sequence.
Richie Coster plays the film’s resident bad guy Diedrich Banning, a bottled-water tycoon seeking to replace the world’s oil barons. His plan is to introduce a bacteria which turns water into a dehydrating substance in major water supplies. Coster, like the film, is nothing more than a cheep knock-off.
Jason Isaacs plays Clark Devlin, the secret agent who is injured leaving Chan to save the day. Isaacs should have been given the chance to save this film. His character is the only interesting one. His is smooth and charismatic. What a shame he has little screen time, and what he does have shows him lying in a hospital bed hooked to monitors.
In the end, this film has too many bugs to work out. It really should’ve had some major alterations before hitting the racks.