Movie Reviews
“Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins”By Aaron Peck
Trailer: http://www.welcomehomeroscoejenkins.com
Getting stabbed in the eye, lighting off firecrackers in a closed fist, getting a paper cut on those little webbed parts in between the fingers … Sorry, I was just listing all the things I’d rather do than watch “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.”
Is Martin Lawrence really relevant anymore? With a quick peek at Mr. Lawrence’s IMDB.com filmography page, any sane person would have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Lawrence is still around. With winning movies, such as “Wild Hogs” and “Bad Boys II” dotting his resume, it’s a wonder he hasn’t been burned from our collective consciousness.
But here’s the sad thing. This movie will make money. Just like “Wild Hogs,” just like “Bad Boys II.” It will probably make more money than movies like “Juno” or “Sweeny Todd.”
So the real travesty isn’t that Lawrence is still acting. It’s that people still pay to see it.
I preemptively hate this movie and every other movie that will ever star Lawrence (Yes that means “College Road Trip,” which is soon going to be torturing the movie going public in a theater near you.).
-aaron.peck@aggiemail.usu.edu
“Fool’s Gold”By G. Christopher Terry
Trailer: http://foolsgoldmovie.warnerbros.com
I bet people are always coming up to Kurt Russell at parties and saying, “Hey, isn’t Kate Hudson your daughter?” And I bet Kurt always says, “No, she’s not.”
It’s easy to hate the spoiled children of movie stars, but it’s even easier when they are anti-American, self-indulgent hags who wear fur and are famous even though they’ve never been in a good movie. From what I can gather, Hudson spends most of her waking hours posing for magazine covers, causing the torture of animals, and dreaming up stupid, stupid names to saddle children with. Kate only has one child, but she named him Ryder, which proves me right. What’s she going to name her next one, U-Haul? Hey, here’s a winner: Hertz Penske.
I could shift topics and talk about Matthew McConaughey’s meaningless film career, but I’m having too much fun trashing Hudson here. Did you know she once dated Owen Wilson? He attempted suicide after they broke up, and she started seeing a guy whose real name is apparently Dax. Proving that one man’s treasure is another man’s trash, the girl Wilson couldn’t live without was divorced by Ryder’s dad, Black Crows singer Chris Robinson. Also on Hudson’s lengthy list of exes is Heath Ledger, a burnout who didn’t know his limits. Nic Cester, who is in a band no one has ever heard of, was linked to Hudson, but he denied it because she is dumb.
My editor says I have to have one line about the movie in this, so here it is: Do you think McConaughey pays a team of writers to make scripts that call for him to do a lot of running around without his shirt on, or do you think the writers are interested in writing movies that prominently feature McConaughey’s naked upper body on their own? I preemptively hate “Fool’s Gold.”
“The Hottie and the Nottie”By David Baker
Trailer: http://www.thehottieandthenottie.com
The last movie I saw starring Paris Hilton was in night vision. I’m sure the acting in this movie will be about on par with that one.
Hilton plays the hot friend that the robot guy from “Grandma’s Boy” wants to hook up with. But her friend is ugly and she’s getting in the way, and then robot guy apparently falls in love with her or something and blah blah blah blah f—ing blah.
The plot of this movie isn’t important.
What is important: Al from “Step by Step” is in this movie – the hot, rebellious girl of all our early adolescent dreams.
In real life, Al, Christine Lakin, is a bonafide hottie, but in this movie – with the help of heavy makeup – she plays the ugly friend. I know the people who made this movie probably have IQs barely high enough to promote normal bodily functioning, but it’s pretty obvious Al should have been the hot friend.
Paris has this drug-induced, facial-tick thing going on, and she’s patently offensive, an obvious choice for the “not” friend.
Given the piss-poor casting and the ever-present possibility that just looking at Paris Hilton will give you syphilis, I preemptively hate this movie. But, if they added a dash of Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers, I could definitely love this movie.
-da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu