Moving on requires one step at a time
Sally and Joe were a happy couple that skipped merrily across the Quad every day and wrote poetry for one another.
Joe was sure he had found the girl of his dreams, but on their five-month anniversary, Sally told Joe that she was breaking up with him.
“It just doesn’t feel right,” she said. Joe was so crushed, he could not eat for a week.
He stopped going to classes, skipped out on the Finance Club meetings and played video games in his pajamas.
It’s hard to be in good old Joe’s situation, and many people have been hit hard by a relationship’s end like a slap in the face (sometimes literally). People often go into slumps afterward, and it’s difficult to snap back into reality.
Scot M. Allgood, director of the USU marriage and family master’s program, said there is a shared identity when two people come together and when it ends, it causes you to think about who you are without that person.
“You need to have a clear identity when you come into a relationship,” he said.
Allgood is also a counselor at the Family Life Center and has a private practice. He said he deals with problems from marriage issues to adolescent drug abuse.
“Some people go into a relationship without having developed their own identity,” Allgood said. “If those relationships break up, it can be very harmful.”
So how does someone get over a relationship like Sally and Joe’s?
Allgood suggested self-help books by authors such as Jeff Larson and his book, “Should We Stay Together?” or utahmarriage.org for advice on how to help a relationship.
Students can also go to the USU Counseling Center, located on the third floor of the Taggert Student Center, and severe cases are referred to Allgood or someone else at the Family Life Center at a reduced fee.
Students gave their own opinions on how to get over a breakup. Steve Nielson, a junior and business information systems, said, “Guys have to fix stuff.”
The process is quite different for girls, however. When a girl gets dumped, he said, she talks to her roommates until she’s figured out exactly where the relationship went wrong.
Agreeing, Alisa Webb, a junior in graphic design, said, “As soon as I get home from a breakup, I tell my roommates. If they aren’t there, I call my friend.”
It just goes to show how different guys and girls are.
“From any guy’s perspective,” Nielson said, “she dumps you, you’re hurt for five seconds, you go home and eat some cereal and you’re good.”
When a person breaks up with someone, there’s a good way and a bad way. The best way to do it is be honest, Nielson said. “Just say, ‘Hey, let’s not date.'”
To clarify what a bad breakup is, Allgood said he had read in the news that Kid Rock recently broke up with a girl using a text message. “What’s up with that?” he said. “That’s just wrong.”
But famous rockers aren’t the only ones that are clueless about breaking up with a person.
“I was with this dude for a month or so,” Webb said, “and he found out that I didn’t want to kiss him yet. The next week, my friend told me he was make-out buddies with another girl.”
When that kind of thing happens, she said, redemption is not an option. “He turned out to be a jerk, so I cut him off from my coveted friendship list.”
It’s very difficult for anyone to make a friend out of a crappy relationship. Honesty is not only part of a relationship, Nielson said, it’s part of a friendship. “When a person’s not honest,” Nielson said, “that’s what destroys friendship.”
If someone is confused about their emotions, it’s difficult to have a smooth breakup.
Most of the time, Allgood said, people know when they’re in a bad relationship. “If it’s not right, don’t put yourself in an awkward situation,” he said.
Many people are guilty of mixed emotions. Nielson compared it to being in a bathtub. “You jump in and it’s nice and warm. You love it,” he said. “Then after a while, it starts getting cool so you hop out. The air hits you and you’re like, ‘Ah! It’s too cold out here!’ You jump back in because you think it’s warmer, but in reality it’s the same temperature.”
In that situation, he said, the best thing to do is move on with your life.
If a guy’s moping around, he’s not being a man, Nielson said. “I’ve done it, but then a light switch goes on and I realize it’s not getting me anywhere,” he said. “It just boils down to pulling up your bootstraps and getting over it.”
Even girls will agree on this one. “There comes a point in time,” Webb said, “when you say to yourself, ‘This is lame!’ You put down the ice cream scooper, dust off your hairbrush and have a night on the town with your girlies.”
In the words of Neil Sedaka, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Indeed it is, but there are plenty of fish in the sea.
It might take a long time, but no one is lost in the depths of despair forever.
Mark Christensen, a sophomore in business information systems, said, “It’s all about acceptance. Just remember what was good about the relationship. Take it for what it was, and just keep on going.”
-marylour@cc.usu.edu