OBIT: Statesman says goodbye to a dear friend
Utah State University lost a well-known voice for its students over the summer break. Miss Jones, weekly contributor to the Utah Statesman, friend to all those in need and avid cat-lover, passed away while aboard the Queen Mary 2 World Cruise.
While details are unclear, an incident report obtained from the Queen Mary 2 cruise personnel states that shortly after re-boarding the ship after a scheduled stop in “The City of Peace” – Sharm el-Sheikh – Egypt, Miss Jones got into an argument with one of her fellow passengers, a woman by the name of Jade O’Ryan. While it remains unclear what, precisely, the argument was about, there is some speculation that Miss Jones had begun an affair with Mrs. O’Ryan’s husband, Gabriel.
Twelve crewmen were reported injured trying to break up the cat-fight, which started in the Grand Lobby and continued through the Mayfair Shops, into the Royal Court Theater, across the stage, back out of the theater, through the Empire Casino, up the Grand Rotunda Staircase, through the Upper Britannia Restaurant and across the deck before somehow ending up in the crow’s nest. At that time, the two women were so exhausted, they both collapsed. When all was said and done, the boat had sustained approximately $428,080.48 in damage and there was an unexplained leak in the starboard-aft engine room.
The two women were taken to the brig and held until they calmed down, at which time they received a stern talking-to from the ship’s captain.
Later that evening, guests reported a disturbance on the deck’s basketball court, where Miss Jones had stolen a basketball and thrown it overboard. She was promptly put back in the brig. The brig’s officers later reported she was in good spirits and had been telling them stories from her life – a beautiful Asian man in Venice, an incident involving a mountain lion and her brother, a man with Gherkinson’s Disease, being a cook for a boat off the shores of Colombia, etc. The following day Miss Jones was released from custody and allowed to enter the port city of Safaga with the other passengers.
Upon re-boarding the ship there was a catastrophic gangplank failure. A small child was snagged on the gangplank, dangling 100 feet above the water. Miss Jones acted quickly, grabbing the child and handing him off to safety just as a gust of wind tilted the gangplank further away from the ship. Miss Jones fell those 100 feet into the water below. Rescue boats and swimmers were dispatched to save her, but after 5 hours of searching were unable to recover her body.
Although the last few days of her life were turbulent, Miss Jones died a death that she could be proud of. While she loved kittens more, she had a strong fondness for children and gave up her own life to save that of a child.
She will be remembered by all those who read her columns as a wise woman who cared for everyone but that sexist tramp Katherine O’Mann. Though she can no longer teach us with her words, we can always learn from her actions.
As Miss Jones once said to me, “I want to be in you,” she now can. May that kind old woman be in me and be in you always.
This obituary was prepared by Miss Jones’ father’s cousin’s second child’s great-grandson, Connor Jones.