On the rocks: Varying marriage beliefs
USU students have varied views on what exactly the definition of marriage means, and, according to Kay Bradford, Utah has one of the most unique marriage cultures in the nation.
“Utah is an interesting state,” said Bradford, a professor of family consumer and human development. “The length of marriages in Utah is the highest in the nation. Ours is a marrying culture.”
Marriage, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “the state of being united to a person as a contractual relationship according to law or custom.”
Yet there are some who view Utah’s marriage culture as annoying at best, or even oppressive.
Undeclared freshman Bruce Flatebo said he is gay and hates everything about Utah’s marriage culture.
The evolving marriage culture
Utah’s marriage culture is changing, said Cynthia Robison, employee of Utah’s Office of Vital Statistics.
For example, Utahns have always gotten married at an earlier age than the rest of the nation, Robison said, but the United States as a whole has had decreasing marriage rates and later marrying ages on average.
She said in 1976, the median age for a bride in Utah was 20; in 2008 it was 24. She said divorce rates have leveled off, but not because people are not living happier marriages.
“People simply aren’t getting married,” Robison said.
“I never want to get married,” said Amber Olson, a USU horticulture major. “I love my independence. I love my space.”
Other young Utahns choose to marry later because of the high rate of divorce they see around them, Bradford said. Fear of divorce makes a lot of people cautious, he said.
“I really don’t want to get a divorce,” said Anastasia Gibbons, an English major. “My sister is going through a custody battle, and it is awful.”
Gibbons said she has decided to get engaged, but she has been dating her boyfriend for more than two years. She and her fiance decided to have a year-long engagement, she said.
“I wanted to have a clear idea of who I was before I rushed into things,” Gibbons said. “My older sister only dated for three months, and look how that turned out.”
Early marriages are strongly correlated with high rates of divorce, Bradford said.
“You have to know who you are before you commit to something so large,” he said. “Statistically speaking, in your mid-to-late 20s, you get in the safe zone from divorce.”
Fear of divorce still doesn’t stop some people from rushing into things, said Cassie Payne, a senior majoring in elementary education.
“I know of five people that went to high school with me that got married and are already divorced,” she said. “And I graduated three years ago.”
People’s longer lifespan may also be part of the reason for later marriages, said Shawn Clybor, a history professor.
“Seven hundred years ago the average lifespan was about 30, so we’re talking about a marriage that will last 10 to 20 years, tops,” he said. “Now, when you get married, you are committing to spend 60 years of your life with someone.”
Members of the LDS church believe marriage should last longer than 60 years — rather for eternity — said Logan Brown, an undeclared sophomore. Ironically though, they seem to rush into marriages more than other people, he said.
Destiny Miller, a Logan resident, said she was dating someone, seriously for a while, who she thought might be the right guy. After he got into debt, however, he turned into a different person under the stress, she said.
It’s crucial to know what someone is like during stressful experiences as well as easy ones, she added.
“I didn’t marry my college girlfriend, and thank God I didn’t,” Clybor said. “People grow up. People change.”
Traditional marriages remain dominant
Despite the decreasing number of married couples, U.S. residents are still largely interested in marriage, Bradford said.
“Yes, people are becoming cautious,” he said. “Yes, cohabitation (without marriage) is on the rise, but the U.S. still has a larger percentage of married couples than any other developed nation.”
And not all of the rushed marriages end in divorce, either, he added.
Jaden Miller, an electrical engineering major, said he’s always believed people should date their partner for a long time before marrying them, but when he met his wife, he broke his own rules.
“I always feel comfortable around her,” he said. “There are things we have to learn about each other, and we don’t always make each other happy, but that is normal. We can work through our problems.”
A sequence of serendipitous events brought the couple together, Jaden Miller said. His sister was renting a house with his soon-to-be wife, while he was living in Albuquerque, N.M.
Due to problems with the landlord, the women had to move out of the house they were living in and into his empty bedroom.
When he returned, Jaden Miller said, he found his dream girl sleeping in his bed.
“I was dating someone else at the time,” wife Destiny Miller said. “But after I broke up with him, Jaden and I started dating. I was ready to marry him really soon, even though I dated the other guy for 18 months.”
Destiny said she married Jaden because it felt comfortable and right.
Despite their short engagement and stereotypical, cute meeting story, Jaden Miller said he and his wife plan to live together forever, quite happily.
What is marriage, then?
There is no consensus among USU students regarding what marriage means and what it stands for.
“A marriage is a promise to be together forever,” said Jenna Haycock, an environmental studies major. “It’s more for the individuals getting married than for the state.”
The ceremonial aspect of marriage is merely tradition, she said.
Sara Arroyo, a political science major, said she believes marriage is, in itself, an obsolete notion, and that if people want to enter into relationships, they do not need permission from the state.
< p class="p1"> Dan Savage, a syndicated Seattle columnist, said, along those lines, marriage and fidelity are not for everyone. He said some people need more than one partner; others need lovers of both sexes. He said people cannot help their urges and should not try to control them.
“I do not agree in the slightest,” said Steven Haws, a management information systems major. “I agree with (LDS Apostle Boyd K.) Packer when he talked about tendencies and trials. The whole point of life is to overcome our natural compulsions and urges.”
To Haws, marriage is primarily a religious union, he said. It is a God-given relationship in which children can be born and raised, he added.
“To me, everything else is a cheap imitation,” he said. “People talk about how fast the world is going downhill. I believe many of society’s problems are correlated with the decline of nuclear families.”
Traditional marriages, with the intent to create a family and a stable environment for children, are selfless, whereas gay marriages are about fulfilling selfish sexual desires, Haws said.
Marriage is multi-faceted, said Dale Harlan, mechanical engineering alumnus. He said it is about raising a family, it is a promise to be completely committed to your spouse forever, and is also a religious and societal commitment.
Is marriage for everyone?
Flatebo said gays will not stop fighting until they are given the legal right to be married. He said the gay community is not the only group of students at USU whose marriage practices are frowned upon by society.
Harlan said his father had two wives, and his family was constantly persecuted while he was growing up.
“With the exception of a few families, both the Mormons and the non-Mormons made fun of us,” Harlan said. “We were constantly getting in fights.”
Harlan said he joined the LDS church at 17 and served a mission in Argentina. When he returned, he dated a woman seriously at USU, but when she found out about his father’s religious beliefs, she became immediately cold and distant, he said.
“Her parents would persuade us to spend as little time as possible around my family. I was used to it. I was ostracized growing up,” he said. “People tend to ridicule what they do not understand.”
Unorthodox marriage practices do not need to hurt anyone, Harlan said.
“When consenting adults enter into relationships with one another, that is no one’s business but their own,” he said. “I am not saying the government has to sanction second marriages, third marriages or homosexual marriages, but they shouldn’t be allowed to imprison people for their religious practices. We lived in constant fear of my dad being arrested.”
There are certain polygamous people who need to be punished, Harlan said, including Warren Jeffs.
“He married a 12-year-old girl for Pete’s sake,” Harlan said. “But that does not give the government the right to go in and abduct all those kids like they did in Texas a few years ago. Families were ripped apart without probable cause, and they were deemed guilty until proven innocent.”
Brothers and sisters were split apart before any trial took place and put in foster care, Harlan said.
“It’s interesting how you often see the (American Civil Liberties Union) representing both gays and polygamist families,” Harlan said. “In both cases people err on the side of extreme persecution, because they do not understand other perspectives.”
Harlan said people often have multiple sexual partners, and the state does nothing, but if a polygamist man makes a commitment to more than one partner, he is at risk for imprisonment.
Flatebo said he does not believe polygamy is right, but he does believe that the government should allow gay people to marry legally.
“God has nothing to do with it,” Flatebo said.
Harlan disagreed.
“It is my personal belief that monogamous marriages between men and women are what God wants,” Harlan said. “But we have to treat people respectfully and fairly, even if they are different.”
– evan.millsap@aggiemail.usu.edu