Operation: Manning the home front
“Mommy, mommy,” T.J. the youngest of the three children says as he tugs on her arm, pulling her toward the washing machine behind which he has thrown his toy car for the third or fourth time. No exasperation enters her countenance as she gets up once more to retrieve the toy. It has turned into a game that she is patiently playing with her son. He giggles with delight each time, eager to begin the game again every time she hands him back the toy.
Tera Blackham may seem the typical mother, although she is rarely seen without a smile on her face. She spends most of her time chasing after her three children: two daughters, Joey (Josephine), who is 5 and Bailey, who is 4, and her son, T.J., who is 2. She says she spends most of her time with her family, cooking dinner and helping with homework. But the difference between Blackham and most mothers is the homework she is most often working on is usually her own.
Nearly 10 years after completing her associates degree at Snow College, Blackham decided to return to school fulltime, something she is currently undertaking all by herself, practically as a single mother.
Blackham currently takes care of her family and attends school while her husband is stationed in Georgia for military officers training for an undisclosed amount of time, ranging anywhere from six months to a full year. He has already been away for about four months.
Blackham made her decision to return to school for a degree when she and her husband Erick decided to move to Logan to allow Erick to pursue a second degree. But the family’s plans changed when Erick realized he could accomplish his goals without another degree and he joined the military earlier than the family originally planned. Blackham decided to stay in Logan with her three children and finish her degree in technical writing while Erick moved back East for more than a year’s worth of training.
“I only had a year left of school and so while he is off getting training, I get to finish,” Blackham said. “We couldn’t be with him anyway. We would just be hanging out and the time flies by a lot faster with him gone when I am in classes.”
Blackham uses a babysitter twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays so she can attend classes, spending the rest of the week at home with her children, which she says is especially important since their dad can’t be there right now. Often, school work becomes hard to accomplish with everything else that is going on in her life but she says, especially with her husband in the military, she feels it is important to finish her degree so she could support the family if necessary.
“Erick is in the Army and so the possibility of something happening to him is suddenly much higher than it would have been,” Blackham said. “Knowing that I have a degree that I can fall back on, that I can really support my family, that I don’t have to go somewhere and flip burgers and I will be able to take care of them is comforting.”
Blackham said she tries to treat dropping the children off at the babysitter’s twice a week as an adventure so her kids feel like it is a time for them to play. Focusing on all the positive things in their lives, including how much their dad loves them and their faith, instead of dwelling on hard things are, is how Blackham said she helps her children get through it. By focusing on how much fun the children are going to have at the sitter and letting them talk about all of their favorite things to do there, instead of focusing on the fact the mom is leaving to go to school, makes it easier on the children, Blackham said. The family also uses the same tactic for dealing with Erick being so far away.
“We talk about dad all the time,” Blackham said. “I tell them, ‘dad loves you’ and we focus on the fact that dad loves us so much that he is willing to go and do this for us. They think it is great. They say, ‘My dad is a soldier.'”
Although all of her children are proud of their dad, Blackham said the separation has been the hardest on T.J., who will often cry for daddy when he sees someone in their ACUs (camouflage), leaving Blackham to try and distract him, because at his young age Blackham said she can’t really explain to him where dad is and why he won’t be coming home for awhile.
Blackham said it helps to be able to talk to Erick for a few minutes every night via webcam, an improvement over the summer when he was in basic training and she lived letter to letter. She says the children love talking to their father and “it never gets old for either of them.” The children often tell their dad the same stories night after night, something Blackham said Erick enjoys because he loves being able to talk to them. For herself, Blackham said talking on the webcam with him can be hard sometimes because she gets to see what she is missing. Although, with her husband’s continuously positive attitude, she says it is “always a nice pick me up.”
Mark Nance, one of Blackham’s ecclesiastical leaders, said he feels Blackham is able to accomplish much because her faith is one of the biggest driving forces behind her actions. She always focuses on her family before turning to take care of her own needs. Her number one priority is her family and her children, always making sure their needs are met, whether those needs are emotional or physical, Nance said.
“I haven’t seen any problems,” Nance said. “She has extremely well-mannered children, who she has taught through example. They are well informed of what is going on with their father. She has no secrets from them and they have no worries with their father being away because they know they will always be taken care of.”
With Blackham in school and taking care of her three children, there isn’t much time for her to work outside the home to help pay for the costs of childcare. She said this is where the school has stepped in and made if affordable for her to get the child care she needs at a price their family can afford by participating in the Child Care Access Means Parents in School program. This program allows the university to gather information and do research involving children and families while giving students affordable child care.
According to information put out by the CCAMPS program, studies have shown more than two-thirds of parents that are able to receive child care money are able to graduate with their degree Aside from the financial support the school and government have given her in the form of grants and childcare, Blackham said one of the most important things the school has given her to allow her to attend is understanding from professors.
“I have gotten a lot of support from my teachers,” Blackham said. “Teachers have been really understanding and willing to work with me when they didn’t have to be. I have had times when my kids have the flu and their dad is not here so I can’t come to class and they have really worked around it.”
Even with everything she has going on her life that keeps her busy, Blackham said she feels like it is still important to allow her children to experience their lives and figure out who they are as people. Fitting actives such as violin lessons last year and gymnastics this year into her schedule so her children have the opportunity to learn and grow is something she said she does because their development is just as important as her own.
“I never had those opportunities when I was growing up,” Blackham said. “I was the sixth child of eight. Our family was very happy but very financially strapped so I was never signed up for anything that you actually had to pay for, so I want to give my children opportunities. I don’t want to over-schedule my kids but I think trying one or two here and there is important so that when they are older they can make decisions.”
Blackham said she wants her children to have many opportunities to find themselves, something she says moving around as her husband gets new assignments will help.
“I don’t live in a fairy tale where I think my kids are going to be perfect, but I think they are going to be good or bad no matter where you live,” Blackham said. “They need a good home base structure and someone helping them feel self confident.”
–debrajoy.h@aggiemail.usu.edu