Opinion: Hurt people hurt people, and that destroys us.
Oscar Wilde told an unfair truth in his poetry, declaring that “all men kill the thing they love.”
Under constant imploration and requests from scholars, prophets and citizens, the human race has yet to be unfailingly kind and loving towards one another. So Wilde’s poetry reads true for all of us.
As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. Upon further examination, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that hurt people do not only hurt people, but they hurt themselves in the process.
I am under the impression that humanity does not exist to destroy itself, though it seems bent on doing so. Because of the imperfect nature of humanity, destruction happens frequently. But I believe that we are not wired to hurt each other. This is exactly why humanity is always in a constant struggle with itself.
We are imperfect, so we hurt each other. Because we aren’t made to hurt, doing so destroys us. Not all at once, but piece by piece. The internal destruction stems from a lack of feeling love, but quickly grows as we perpetuate that feeling and push it onto others.
Our expectations of love are vastly higher than the realities of love, so it’s not too shocking that most of us feel unwanted or unloved. We expect a constant flow of kindness, service and adoration.
In other words, we don’t plan on the people around us to have bad days.
Dr. Steven Stosny hit the nail right on the head when he wrote that we assume “no matter what happens, the person you love and trust will … 1. Care about your well-being and 2. Never intentionally hurt you.” The result of these expectations is pain. When our friends or partners are short with us, cancel plans or say things they don’t mean in anger, we feel an absence of love.
Of course, this does not excuse the unacceptable verbal or physical abuse that takes place in some relationships. However, it does mean that, at times, people expect more than what can be given. Instead of letting go of our expectations, loving ourselves and forgiving those who have hurt us, we lash out.
According to Joanna Pantazi, “we are more likely to be more aggressive towards people we know best.” This observation makes a lot of sense. Anger is easily expressed around people who know you, and the same goes with happiness, sadness or any other emotion.
Pantazi also suggests that “we hurt others in order to hurt ourselves…this tendency is founded on core beliefs of inadequacy.” In other words, when our feelings of inadequacy are increased, we hurt others to hurt ourselves. Though this form of punishment is subconscious, it is crucial for humanity to bring it to consciousness and analyze those feelings.
In order to end the physical and emotional pain that comes from hurting each other constantly, we need to be ourselves fully and experience life fully. According to Dr. Steven Stosny, “The way out—for betrayers and betrayed alike—is for each person to create more value and meaning in life. This is utterly necessary, whether or not a couple afflicted with betrayal decides to repair the damaged relationship.”
In other words, rather than keeping track of the shallow things in life, we should be creating and adding value to our lives. It’s about the simple things: we need to write, sing, laugh, swim and run. We need to think about all the things we’ve always wanted to do, and do them!
It’s time we create a life for ourselves that we don’t have to constantly escape from. We need to stop hurting ourselves and others, and start living by looking inward and creating meaning.
Emily White is a third year student studying English and broadcast journalism.
— emily.white@usu.edu