OPINION: Keep values, accept LGBTQ community
I have lived in Utah my entire life and have to admit — when it comes to LGBTQ issues, I’m pretty sheltered for a 20-year-old gay man.
I’ve seen “The Laramie Project” a few times and have a basic understanding of who Harvey Milk is. Other than that, I am pretty clueless, which reminds me, I’ve seen the movie Clueless. I’m not an expert on the spectrum of colors in the LGBTQ rainbow.
There are a range of responses family members and friends have when a gay child comes out — both negative and positive. An example of a negative reaction from a parent would include calling their child a sinner, insisting they get therapy or kicking them out of the house.
Examples of positive reactions could be, “I’m disappointed, but I love you,” or “I’m going to need some time to deal with this.” Some parents may tell their child they think having the realization is great.
When a parent responds negatively, studies show the children affected are at more risk for suicide, drug use, alcohol abuse, HIV and AIDS, and homelessness.
Every parent is well-meaning, even those who suggest therapy. However, well-meaning parents with a negative message will ultimately damage a fragile relationship with their child.
Growing up gay in Utah was not always fun. I realized at a young age that I was different. In the sixth grade when a girl I knew found out I thought a boy was cute, I felt like she told everyone. My life was toast. It wasn’t a coincidence that I moved the next summer.
During my high school years, I didn’t date like most people. I went on dates with girls like most boys, yes. And I went on dates with boys later in my teen years. Until I came out of the closet, I didn’t talk about my dating experiences.
I’m lucky — my family was really supportive and accepted me at a very early age. I started coming out at 15. I made it Facebook official at age 18. I even went to my senior prom with a boy. It was a big deal for me.
Despite my family’s support, my relationships with men were developmentally disadvantaged. I didn’t have the same amount of time to process and realize my sexual identity because what came natural to me was socially unacceptable.
This idea is called “gay age” — gay people’s relationship development is hindered compared to heterosexuals because of pressure to suppress gay thoughts or feelings. It is not uncommon for gay men in their 20s or 30s to be at a high school development level.
That is a tragedy. The lives of these men are left unfulfilled. These are our brothers, our uncles, our fathers and our friends.
In Utah, I think it is easy to blame the LDS church, or sheltered “Utah Mormons” for the difficulties LGBTQ children face. This is folly. As a youth, was the way that girl treated me specific to Utah? No. People are bullied all over the nation.
I think the difference between 2001 and 2011 is the understanding. There is a growing understanding the word “faggot” or saying “that’s so gay” are not OK. I would like to add the word “sinner” to the list.
Some people believe homosexuality is a sin. That’s fine. However, there is a difference between thinking something and expressing something. The words I use to describe someone and the values I attach with those words inherently reflect what I think about them.
When you tell a gay person they are a sinner, your values-laden message is laced with negativity, even if it accompanies an affirmation that God loves them and wants them to repent. Although I mention the impact of a parent’s reaction above, I think a friend’s reaction also affects self-esteem and identity.
I don’t mean to say this is easy. People will step on each other’s toes. I think accepting our gay loved ones comes in steps the same way coming out comes in steps, but the early stages of acceptance are crucial.
If only we can train ourselves to say, “I love you no matter what. Can we talk about this more? I am going to need some time.”
Perhaps, by changing the words we use to describe one another, we can create an environment where being gay is OK. I don’t want anyone to change their beliefs, but I urge you to understand you can love LGBTQ individuals and accept them as part of society, even if you don’t believe that being gay is right for you, personally.
I urge Utah State students to consider the language they use when they talk to their friends, make jokes, taunt opposing teams, or find out a loved one is gay.