Opinion: Relationship milestones are arbitrary
In 2017, a letter appeared in the Daily Utah Chronicle. The writer, Shaelyn Barber, discussed how, as a child, she assumed 21 was the perfect age to get married. Writing the letter just a few days shy of her 21st birthday, though, she reflected on how unprepared she is for marriage. “I’m currently single and have been for the last two years, minus the occasional short fling,” she wrote. “In Utah that means I’m practically an old maid.”
Especially in Utah, there can be a lot of social pressure to reach romantic milestones in life by a certain time. Many people start dating when they turn 16, and the average age of marriage is 24 for women and 26 for men. This is well below the national average of 27 and 29, respectively (there was no data available for nonbinary people).
This pressure is intensified in Utah but is present across our entire culture. The norm is still overwhelmingly to settle down, marry, and have kids. Women, in particular, are encouraged to find partners as soon as they can, with people frequently citing the concern of the “biological clock.”
But for many people, trying to follow this path only causes stress and heartache.
Given social pressures, and the fact that LGBTQ+ people are a marginalized group, it can be hard to find a compatible life partner. Many LGBTQ+ people might have to wait longer than others to find partners if they want them. Aromantic and/or asexual people may not want long-term partners at all.
But cisgender heterosexual people may also not follow the traditional path, or may take longer than others whether due to illness, focusing on education or career, lack of opportunity, or other reasons.
The pressure to be in a relationship is especially intense around Valentine’s day. With stores decked out in red hearts and teddy bears and every advertisement selling gifts for a significant other, this can be a hard time of year to not be in a relationship.
Even if you feel like the only single person in the world, though, you aren’t alone. In fact, about 45% of adults in the US were unmarried as of 2018. Whether you’re single by chance or choice, you aren’t behind, and you’re in a unique position to enjoy life outside of a relationship and focus on your own needs.
For people who want relationships but aren’t in one: it’s okay to take longer than some people.
It’s okay if you haven’t had your first kiss or first significant other, or if it’s been a long time since you’ve been on a date (especially given the pandemic!). You aren’t behind, and it isn’t too late. There’s plenty of time ahead of you to form relationships, and you don’t come with an expiration date.
And for people who are happier being single: that’s great! It’s wonderful that you know what you want and are confident enough to follow it, despite societal pressures. Not forcing yourself into relationships you don’t want to be a part of is an act of self-love.
People have all sorts of reasons for being “behind” the arbitrary romantic milestones others expect. All these reasons are okay.
This Valentine’s season, as people around you celebrate their romantic relationships, take time to appreciate your other relationships, which are just as meaningful. Connect with family and friends, and most of all connect with yourself. The majority of people may see Valentine’s Day as a day for romance, but at the heart of it is love.
Whoever you feel it for, however you experience it, it matters, and you deserve to experience it.
Katelyn Allred is an opinion writer in her junior year of college. She’s studying English with an emphasis in creative writing and enjoys reading, listening to podcasts, and baking.
katelyn.allred@usu.edu