OUR VIEW: Offering relief from the unloved holiday
If a struggling economy were not enough, millions of single men and women will spend the approaching Valentine’s Day weekend agonizing over a lack of social activity. Onslaughts of stress and anxiety plague the young and the old as the day draws near. Men are expected to conform with social norms much more demanding than Ninja Turtle valentine’s cards. Women also find themselves longing for the relief of a knight on a white horse, bringing an end to those lonely nights. With the newly-found public support of emergency bailouts such as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, we propose an initiative to heal the stagnation in the social market and prevent a forthcoming social depression. We propose the Troubled Single Reassurance Program (TSRP), a severely under-supervised, federally-funded program to stimulate social activity. The front-runner of TSRP, the Emergency Emotional Stabilization Act of 2009, will completely remove the unpleasant aspects of the unloved holiday and counter the sliding emotions that prevail this time of year.
Conservative females hope the bill will immediately bolster the delivery of flowers and chocolates to unappreciated women, while moderate to radical males expect a decrease in restaurant wait times and reduced Valentine’s Day date expectations. Social networking and dating Web sites await government-mandated enrollment for singles and greeting card manufacturers have been promised complimentary delivery via the postal service. Singles are not the only ones benefiting from the bill. The Act stands to provide happy couples with a 2 percent discount off all Valentine’s Day purchases, provided they can prove they are in love.
To absolve the country’s unemployment problem, the bill will engage thousands of currently unemployed workers to deliver gifts and singing telegrams randomly throughout the year.
Though nobody really knows what the Emergency Emotional Stabilization Act will accomplish, everyone is convinced that the bill will solve whatever Valentine’s Day ailments you are facing at a cost to future generations rather than our own. Unlike past government acts which have been biased and self-serving to politicians, the Act pledges equality for everyone and a change all can believe in. We have no hope of actually bringing about the change we are promising, but making promises helps everyone know how much the government cares about them.
Ladies, be patient with these clueless men around you. The TSRP requires you to give them a second chance. After all, if our government is willing to forgive those that do not deserve it, you should be willing to do the same. And if you are in love, count yourself among one of the lucky few this Valentine’s Day.