Preemptive Critic – Good Luck Chuck

Dane Cook can’t star in a movie where he doesn’t hook up with a hot Jessica.

In “Employee of the Month,” it was slightly stupid but uber-hot Jessica Simpson.

Now, in “Good Luck Chuck,” goddess-of-the-sun hot Jessica Alba wants some of Dane’s Cookin’, if you know what I mean – bad pun, I know, but roll with it.

The next movie in the Dane-on-Jessica collection is just going to be a stolen home video featuring Cook getting down with an all-star cast of Jessicas – including Simpson, Alba, Biel, Lange and Tandy – all while Dane is playing the Allman Brothers’ song “Jessica” on Guitar Hero, on expert.

Instead of doing more movies with Jessicas, I think we’d all rather see Cook in a movie with the Kool-Aid man. It’s just a suggestion, because I don’t want to see Dane Cook get typecast as a Jessica boy toy – I promise I’ll never use that phrase again in my life, God, if you only spare me this once.

But it really comes down to this: I pre-emptively hate any movie where someone besides me is having sex with Jessica Alba. Sorry Dane.