Preemptive Critics
“Two for the Money”
Say hello to Al Pacino’s new little friend – a sports-gambling addiction.
In “Two for the Money,” Pacino plays a renowned sports bookie who teams up with Matthew McConaughey, a sports-betting wonderboy who has made a name for himself as “a winner,” by never betting on the Cubs or against the Harlem Globetrotters.
Somewhere, Pete Rose is smiling.
Pacino will play an over-the-top mad man. And McConaughey will display the same sparkling personality he’s shown in such hit films as “Sahara” and “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”
Wait. Did I say, “hit”? Woops. Typo. Forgot the “s.”
Either way, I preemptively hate this film.
-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu
Wilder’s “Waiting”
Let me explain the movie “Waiting,” as I see it, in a short-form bulleted list:
*For a male lead, we have Ryan Reynolds, of “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place” fame, who will be stretching himself as an actor playing the character “one guy in a Chili’s.”
*He will be joined by Andy Milonakis, the guy who simultaneously reminded me how far MTV has fallen and why I used to tease the fat kids in grade school.
*From what I can discern from the trailer, the running joke/plot of the movie, is that waiters enjoy adding various and sundry bodily leftovers to your food (including dandruff, mucus and saliva). I’m sure this will be funny to all the current and former food service workers out there, but to the rest of the world it’s a little disconcerting.
So, for making me nervous to ever eat out again, I preemptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu
“In Her Shoes”
It’s practically a Hollywood staple: Intelligent sister with the fashion sense of an eggplant comes to grips with her own anal-retentive ways and finds love.
At the same time, her fluffy, bunny-brained sibling decides that, after years devoted solely to the pursuit of shoes, shopping and sex, its time to get down to earth and learn how to really … love. Wow.
The scuttlebutt on the Internet is that the show is a way for people everywhere to “rest their brain cells and indulge in pure mindless fantasy.”
Of course, men and women think differently.
“Fantasy” for the female half of the audience is likely to include true realization of eternal love of some kind with a few quirky complications that just make you laugh and feel good inside.
For the male half, “fantasy” is more likely based on seeing Cameron Diaz in her underwear … a lot. Of course, those witty Hollywood writers let Diaz change lingerie from scene to scene in order to add a little spice and keep the plot moving.
For even attempting to shoot a romantic comedy in a retirement center, I preemptively hate this movie.
-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu