Preemptive Critics

‘The Pink Panther’

So, Steve Martin walks into a bar and says, “Ouch.”

Then Steve Martin continues to walk into the same bar, saying would-be-hipster catch phrases and someone calls it a movie.

But for the-once-great comedian who brought you classics such as “The Three Amigos” and “The Jerk,” Martin’s silver-haired efforts have been silver-screen flops.

Mark my words, in the last days, Martin will be held accountable for these sins:

Thou shalt not make “Sgt. Bilko.”

Thou shalt not make “Bowfinger.”

Thou shalt not make “Novocaine.”

Thou shalt not make “Bringing Down the House.”

Thou shalt not make “Looney Tunes: Back in Action.”

Thou shalt not make “Cheaper by the Dozen.”

Thou shalt not make “Shopgirl.”

Thou shalt certainly not make “Cheaper by the Dozen 2.”

Steve Martin will burn in hell for making the “Pink Panther.” And, probably, so will Beyonce Knowles.

I preemptively hate this film.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

‘Curious George’

Here at the Preemptive Critics we often try to tell you what a particular movie is, which can get hard, because there’s only so many clever ways to say “sucky.”

So this week I thought I’d mix things up a bit and tell you what “Curious George” is not.

It is not a good career move for Will Ferrell. Does everyone remember what happened to Eddie Murphy? No you don’t, because “Mulan” killed his street cred, man.

I’d say the same for Drew Barrymore, but that ship has already sailed.

It is not a movie you should take your kids to. They’ll just beg for a monkey until Pixar’s “Cars” comes out this summer, when they’ll start asking for a Studebaker.

It is not the original working title of “Brokeback Mountain.”

It is not a movie that should have been made. Five-minute-long children’s stories should not be turned into full-length movies. In an hour and a half the Bernstein Bears could have overcome bullying, stage fright the gimmie-gimmies and the Cuban drug cartel. I bet George doesn’t even learn the man in the yellow hat’s name.

It is not worth the time and money that could be better spent helping Meals on Wheels, or at the very least, renting “Stargate’ again.

Oh, and it is not a movie I preemptively love.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

‘Final Destination 3’

“Final Destination 3” is set six years after the first Final Destination and is the end of what is hopefully just a trilogy.

A high school girl named Wendy foresees a fatal roller-coaster accident involving her and some of her friends, so she doesn’t let her friends get on it and by so doing, subjects the viewers of this movie to another two hours of cliche, everyone-saw-that-coming action.

Throughout the rest of the movie, Wendy and her friends are constantly narrowly escaping horrible accidents because, “Death will finish them.” What death can’t do, however, is finish the movie.

This appears to have the typical horror/thriller setup: A small group of high school kids, aged 27-31; every single girl is way hotter than average; only one black guy (who will probably die); terrible acting all around and what will likely be a stupid, anti-climatic ending.

The fact that half of the trailer of this movie shows clips from other movies goes to show how confident its producers are.

Much like the characters in the movie can see their death before it happens, viewers of this movie can see that it sucks long before it actually does.

I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Bryan Hinton/bhinton@cc.usu.edu