Preemptive Critics

“Dave Chappelle’s Block Party”

Remember how many friends you had in high school because your parents owned a cabin by the lake? You probably had some pretty killer parties, brosef. Maybe you had some beer and some girls and maybe you even hooked up.

Now imagine the kind of parties you could throw if people actually liked you – I mean, really liked you – not just because you have a pool and your sister looks good in a swimsuit.

You’d have “Dave Chappelle’s Block Party.”

Chappelle invites a handful of people from across America to participate in one of the biggest block parties in history.

With Chappelle’s charismatic presence being projected on the big screen, the movie will give fans of Chappelle’s Comedy Central show the humor fix they’ve been craving since last season. And with performances by Kanye West, Mos Def, the Fugees, Dead Prez and the Roots highlighting the event, it’s sure to be a good time.

Or you could watch “Nanny McPhee.” Again.

I preemptively love this film.

Not “Nanny McPhee,” I love “Block Party.”

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

“UltraViolet”

Just when I think Hollywood personally hates me, a movie like this comes around.

It’s almost as if some one figured out everything that drags me into a movie and brought it all into one film.

Of course how hard is it to say, “Hey, let’s get that hot chick from ‘Fifth Element’ and have her kick the crap out of a endless stream of easily breakable soldiers?”

But UltraViolet takes it beyond this.

It takes place in the future, which is way cooler than the present because the technology is better and society has almost completely destroyed itself, so there’s less waiting.

And yet some how, despite the massive increase in innovation, most fighting will be done with swords and fung-fu kicks.

The film has has some fights scenes so out there, it would make the Wachowski brothers cringe.

I’m pretty sure I won’t have to deal with too much boring dialogue. Talking is stupid and in no way does it solve problems, especially if you’re a super-soldier.

But just when you think this movie can’t get any better, somehow her sword catches fire.

Some people may complain that there’s no way a girl in a belly shirt can kill 700 soldiers, but they’re forgetting the basic premise of the movie: She’s not just Violet, she’s UltraViolet,

I preemptively love this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

“Aquamarine”

In yet another movie marketed solely to teen-aged girls, AquaMarine goes to new heights to prove that an ultra-cheesy plot can still get funding.

Two best friends find out that one of them is going to move. They plead with her mother to let them stay together, but like ASUSU to the Statesman, her mom says simply, “I don’t care if it doesn’t make any sense, you’re still moving.”

But, thank Hollywood heaven, a miracle literally washes onto shore in the form of a mermaid named Aquamarine. She falls in love with a lifeguard and agrees to grant the girls one wish if they help her win him over. Apparently, mermaids have magical powers like that.

So this movie is basically a horrible mix of “Aladdin,” “Encino Man,” “Clueless” and “The Incredible Mr. Limpet” (rest in peace, Don Knotts).

In the middle of all this is an absurd amount of cheesy one-liners like “There’s something very fishy about that girl,” and the mermaid’s “shell phone.” Oh, and let’s not forget that timeless classic, “You’re not like most girls.”

For the simple reason that I could feel myself losing IQ points just watching the trailer, I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Bryan Hinton/bhinton@cc.usu.edu