Preemptive Critics

‘Inside Man’

All right, stop. No, seriously, it doesn’t matter that you discovered nuclear fusion or beat the Rubik’s cube, you can’t guess the surprise ending to this film.

I don’t care if you figured out the endings to “The Sixth Sense,” “The Others” and “Fight Club” during their opening credits, there’s no way you can guess who the Inside Man is.

How can I be so sure? Well, beyond the obvious reason that this is Hollywood and they would sooner drop weasels in their underpants than release anything cliché or predictable, the movie trailer tells you at least sixty eight times that no one, not even Michael the Archangel, will be able to guess the surprise ending.

Doesn’t matter though – it’s King Arthur versus John Q in a cat and mouse bank heist (mouse played by Jodi Foster). I preemptively love this movie.

The Critics Guess the Surprise Ending: Denzel Washington, eyes blurry with the threat of defeat, discovers in the last fatal seconds that the Inside Man is none other than … Don Knotts, returned from the dead and orchestrating the robbery while wearing a homespun Ninja Turtle costume.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu

‘Stay Alive’

You can tell Hollywood is getting scared of the video game industry. So scared that they’re now making films that teach kids “It the video games don’t rot your brains, the zombies that haunt the games will come to life and eat you.”

I guess this is better than the strategy of releasing crapographical pictures like “Doom,” “Resident Evil” and “Hope Floats” which try to drain gamers of the will to live.

The basic premise of “Stay Alive,” and I know this because they tell you four times in a 30 second trailer, if you die in the game you die in real life.

The weird thing is, the gamers get torn apart by these zombie/demon things, but the game they are playing is clearly Sonic the Hedgehog.

Also, this is a total rip off when you think about it because I highly doubt that if you beat the game the zombie/demon/ghosts will give you a princess to marry.

Because of the zombie/demon/ghost/monster creatures, I preemptively hate this movie.

The Critics Guess the Surprise Ending: One of the guys manages to rack up enough points in the game that he gets an extra life. The monsters kill him twice.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

‘Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector’

Of all the signs of the Apocalypse, I can never remember if the locusts come before or after “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.”

Either way, things aren’t looking good for humanity.

Larry the Cable Guy, Redneck comedian extraordinaire, has apparently taken time away from farting into a microphone on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour to fart in a microphone on the set of his very own feature-length film.

Larry and friends will undoubtedly surprise even the nastiest critics with how many road kill jokes he can shove into one film – not to mention how many times one man can say “Git-R-Done” during the movie’s 89 minute runtime.

Is he a cable guy? Is he a health inspector?

It doesn’t really matter. This is the start of the cinematic plague.

Perhaps the only solace the world can take in all of this is knowing that, when the winds come and the earth begins to quake, Larry and his trailer park relatives will be the first to get blown away or swallowed whole.

I preemptively hate this movie.

The Critics Guess the Surprise Ending: The last line of dialogue in the movie: “Git-R-Done,” possibly followed by a few gratuitous farts.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu