Preemptive critics

Preemptive Critics

‘The Sentinel’

As even the most casual “24” viewer knows, Jack Bauer is pretty much a god.

He’s already killed like 126 people and saved the world four and a half times in only 106 hours. Seriously, the guy laughs at Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Superman for being weak.

And beyond his physical prowess, there’s his Holmes like intellect. The man can’t be fooled. Even if it lookes like beef, smells like beef and tastes like beef, if Jack says its chicken than you better run because it’s chicken – and ther’s a bomb inside the building somewhere.

So, when Jack’s alter ego (Keifer Sutherland) decides that Michael Douglas wants to kill the president (even though Douglas is the top ranking officer in the secret service and is old enough to have been trusted with the lives of like 8 presidents), well who are we to question him?

In the film, bullets will fly, bodies will pile and Kim Basinger will wait in the background until needed for “a scene of sensuality.” But simply for giving Jack the chance to save the world in a twelfth of his normal time, I preemptively love this movie.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu

‘Silent Hill’

I don’t want to scare you, but I walked past Old Main Hill the other day and not only was it not alive with the sound of music, but it was totally silent.

The only logical explanation is that there are demons underneath it. (Even though it’s springtime, the grade of Old Main Hill is still a slippery slope).

If the hill doesn’t make noise soon, before you know it little girls are going to start going to the demons expecting their parents to come rescue them. That would be fine and dandy, except that, with finals, student parents don’t have that kind of time.

For anyone who doesn’t know, “Silent Hill” is based on the popular series of video games with the same name.

I’ve read some of the reviews of these games and the only thing I can remember was a grown man admitting, and I quote, “a little pee came out.”

The film features a woman in a desperate attempt to find her daughter, who must face such terrors as a ghoul that staggers toward her with the manual dexterity of a drunken, newborn giraffe.

I’d pee, too.

I can honestly say that I preemptively hate this movie.

I mean really, the floors at movie theaters are sticky enough as is.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

‘American Dreamz’

I’ve always wanted to be creative. Not crafty – I gave up on crafty in high school when I glued my picture frame to the table at summer camp and the 12-year-old I was supposed to be helping had to scrape gold leafing off my guidebook.

No, my goal was higher than paper mache: I wanted to come up with a truly novel way to kindle excitement in high-minded citizens across America.

Which is why Paul Weitz will never be my role model.

His new movie “American Dreamz” is a put on, a farce, a distortion and a traveshamockery of ingenuity. Still, I can’t blame him for taking advantage of the pop idol contest’s popularity. With the American people veering away from the movie theater toward the enticing lights of reality TV, Weitz must have thought, “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

But can you spend two full hours just mocking “American Idol”? No, which is why Weitz filled the movie with stuff about patriotism, terrorism and the declining combined intelligence of the American public. You think he could’ve found something more relevant or timely to fill his movie with. This combination of pop and politics can be dangerous. It’s not like he’s Pink or something.

Still, the movie might just survive, as long as Hugh Grant’s accent isn’t so heavy it sinks it.

For reveling in the fact more people voted for last season’s “American Idol” than the last presidential race, I preemptively love this movie.

-by Brooke Nelson/bnelson@cc.usu.edu