Preemptive Critics

“Aeon Flux”

OK, you should know the drill by now: It’s the future, which means the government has control over every aspect of your life, which sounds bad at first, but then you realize that they’ve used this control to make everyone really happy.

Fortunately, there’s a ragtag group of rebels looking to set us free because, you know, Utopia sucks.

Even more fortunately, their forces consist primarily of women who wear somewhat scandalous clothing … because it’s the future.

Charlize Theron will be playing Aeon Flux, a half-baked rebel who’s so good at fighting and killing people that they named the movie after her. From what I can gather, her motives and background are shrouded in mystery, which, to me, says the writers were shrouded in laziness.

Of course, Flux and her Freedom Patrol will kill a lot of soldiers, guards and scientists who are just doing their jobs. Don’t feel bad though, they all knew the risks of living in the future.

I dream of a world where the people have the choice to live in some government-funded charade and go to work without fear of getting roundhoused to the face by some girl in spandex.

That may be a dream, but a future in which I don’t see this crapfest of a film is a reality because I preemptively hate this movie.

“Brokeback Mountain”

So, “Brokeback Mountain” is … well … coming out on Friday. And while no one really wants to talk about it, in life, there are certain, undeniable truths – cold, hard facts that simply aren’t open to discussion.

Fact 1: Movies about sheep are stupid.

Fact 2.: Movies about cowboys (with the possible exceptions of “City Slickers” and John Travolta’s epic masterpiece “Urban Cowboy”) totally suck.

Fact 3: Heath Ledger has a hot ass.

Fact 4. Especially in a pair of Wrangler jeans.

Fact 5: Heath’s ass is so hot that no one can resist it.

Fact 6: Not even Jake Gyllenhal.

Fact 7: Especially not Jake Gyllenhal.

Fact 8: I will receive an e-mail from a gay man accusing me of being a homophobe.

Fact 9: I will receive an e-mail from a homophobe accusing me of being a gay man.

That’s just the way things work. You might not like it, but sometimes the truth hurts.

I preemptively hate this movie. (I’m sorry, but I really do hate sheep).