Preemptive Critics
‘King Kong’
Just once, I’d like to see Peter Jackson do a movie with a normal-sized main character.
But in the meantime I’m fully looking forward to watching the movie. There’s just something about seeing a giant monkey kick the crap out of a T-rex that makes me proud to be a mammal with an opposable thumb.
Of course, this was hardly a big risk for Jackson, all he’d needed to do is let the giant hero smash everything thing in his path and we’d show up in droves. Nobody could screw that up, except Ang Li (director of “The Hulk”).
One look at the trailer or screenshots will show you just how far we’ve come as a species since 1933. CGI beats the Salk vaccine for best invention of the 20th century, hands down.
With this new technology, Jackson is promising a more realistic Kong than ever before. I can only assume this means we’ll see him hurl volkswagon-sized gorilla poops as those stupid biplanes.
The only downside is that I hear that if you watch really close, in the background of one scene you can actually see Jack Black teaching the pygmies how to rock.
Fortunately, from the look of things, Jackson did such a great job helping the real King return, I doubt I’ll even notice.
I preemptively love this movie.
-Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
‘The New World’
A few years back, I said to myself, “Man, you know what Disney should make? A live-action Pocahontas. Yeah, that would rock.”
Now, who woulda thunk they were monitoring my thoughts like a mousekateering Big Brother with an amusement park?
Coming out two days after Christmas (because nothing says holiday cheer like a movie about smallpox and the enslavement of an entire civilization), “New World” looks riddled with problems.
First, the leading man is Collin “I wanna make a good epic if it kills me” Ferrell. We really want him to make a good epic too. Of course, we’d be equally happy if this movie killed him.
Second, there’s that whole non-compatible socio-linguistic background thing. Drat those non-English speaking natives.
No worries though, a magic willow tree or some quirky chipmunks will probably appear giving everyone the ability to understand each other.
But, you know, as long as we’ve got ourselves an endearing Native American heroine whose “playful spirit and yearning for love takes her on a journey far beyond her wildest imaginings” – and just around the river bend – I can’t see a problem with this movie.
Still, it’d be better if she just fell off the Empire State Building. I preemptively hate this film.
-Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu
‘Rumor Has It’
Here’s to you Mr. Riener for answering the age old question: What ever happened to Mrs. Robinson?
“Rumor Has It” picks up the story of “The Graduate,” thirty years later.
This is how bad Hollywood is getting; they’re making sequels for movies made in 1967. Not a remake, a sequel. There really should be a statue of limitations on this sort of thing.
It’s not a sequel in the normal sense. It’s the untold story behind the story of the fake story in the movie “The Graduate.” Confused yet? I am.
What’s that you say Mrs. Robinson? Jennifer Aniston should leave and go away? Hey, hey hey, I agree.
At least Kevin Costner will be taking a break from his busy schedule of making baseball films and failed epic adventures to star as the famous reverse cradle robber.
“Rumor Has It” I preemptively hate this movie.
-Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
Preemptive Double Takes
‘The Producers’
Will Ferrel as a Nazi? Good.
Mathew Broderick as anything? Bad.
Uma Thurman in a Mel Brooks film? Good.
A musical turned into a movie? Very bad.
Preemptively hating this movie? Us.
‘Cheaper by the Dozen 2’
‘Cheaper by the Dozen’ is a pricing concept best applied to donuts, not movies.
For giving me the mental image of Steve Martin and Bonny Hunt having sex at least 12 times, we preemptively hate this movie.
‘Fun with Dick and Jane’
See Dick. See Jane. See Jim. See Jim start making movies where he acts like a dork again.
See us preemptively love this movie.
‘Hoodwinked’
The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is “if you’re gonna jump into bed for some young redhead, make sure there’s no crazy woodsman with an axe around.”
The moral of Hoodwinked seems to be, “Don’t try to be Pixar, especially if you suck.”
We preemptively hate this movie.
‘Memoirs of a Geisha’
If we’re going to pay seven bucks to see Zhang Ziyi, star of Crouching Tiger Hidden Something, she’d better be flying around, killing people with a sword or naked.
We preemptive hat … what? She is? Oh. Well then, we preemptively love this movie.
‘Munich’
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a trippy movie about assasins at/after the Olympics.
It goes to show how much better ‘Miracle’ could have been with a few bomb blasts, some reluctant killers … and Steven Spielberg.
We preemptively love this movie.
‘Matador’
Just like eggnog washing down the fruitcake, Matador is being released the same day as Munich to remind us that cold-blooded murder can be funny.
We preemptively love this movie.