Preemptive Critics

“Underworld: Evolution”

As much as I’d like to think I’m macho enough to watch a movie solely for the hotness of its starlet, I’m not.

I went to “Aeon Flux” and wanted to tear my eyes out. I started drinking just to forget the first four minutes of Jessica Alba’s “Into the Blue.”

So when Kate Beckinsale’s “Underworld: Evolution” comes out Friday, I’m not going to be in the theater.

Why? Because it’s a movie about the war between vampires and werewolves. Not just a war – the war.

I repeat: It’s a movie about the war between vampires and werewolves.

And all this comes on the heels of her roles in “Van Helsing” and “Underworld,” the first installment on the war between vampires and werewolves? Sorry, I just can’t get over it.

Someone should take Kate Beckinsale’s agent outside and beat him to death with a stapler. I’d do it myself, but like I already said, I’m not that macho.

Plus they’re playing “Serendipity” on TBS right now.

I preemptively hate any movie about the war between vampires and werewolves.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

“End of the Spear”

What’s at the end of the spear you ask? The main character of this movie.

Set in the beautiful jungles of South America, “End of the Spear” tells the story of five American anthropologists who were killed by natives with spears.

There’s something about one of the anthropologist’s kids too, but I’m not sure what. I wasn’t really paying attention to him because he didn’t have a spear.

Supposedly the deaths of these men shocked America. But, really, what’s so shocking?

First off, we all know that the only reason a group of American researchers would head into the heart of South America would be to score some centerfold shots for the next issue of National Geographic. Anthropology schmanthropolgy.

Secondly, from what I’ve seen, as beautiful as the jungles of South America are, everything in them will kill you. There are snakes so big they can eat Owen Wilson. Even the frogs – the most harmless animals in the normal world – are lethal.

So, I’m not shocked these guys died. I am shocked that I haven’t seen a movie with this many spears in a long time.

I preemptively love this movie, unless the title means it shows the ending of movies about spears in which case I preemptively hate it.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

“Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World”

I’ve lived the last several years of my life under the impression that Albert Brooks was dead.

Usually, when I’ve prematurely filed living people in the “passed on and lovin’ it” category, I’m made aware of my ignorance by one of two methods: an obituary or a movie.

Fortunately for us, this time it’s the latter.

In the film, Brooks takes a government sponsored trip to India and Pakistan. The goal? To figure out how to garner a chuckle from a group of people the world has stereotyped as goat-milking-suicide-bombers-in-training.

Our goal? To laugh at Brooks while he commits stand-up suicide and shows us just how stupid American fear of “the Muslim world” is.

“Why don’t they celebrate Halloween in India?” Brooks asks his all-Indian audience. “Because they took away the Ghandi.”

Silence.

That’s ok, Al. I doubt Laffy Taffy woulda taken that one.

For bringing the world together, if only to laugh at Albert Brooks making a dork out of himself, I preemptively love this film.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu

This movie is playing in select venues along the Wasatch Front. Unfortunately, Logan didn’t make the “select venues” cut.