Preemptive Critics: ‘Date Movie’ ‘Eight Below’ ‘Freedomland’
‘Date Movie’
Here’s a quick math lesson for ya.
“Date Movie” was written by two of the six writers of “Scary Movie.” By sloughing off two-thirds of that no-talent hack of a writing staff, “Date Movie” will statistically be 66 percent more tolerable than “Scary Movie.”
Still, you have to take into consideration the fact that the exponential decline in quality of the “Scary Movie” series can be charted by graphing a slope of negative three to the power of suck, all over W, where W equals the number of Wayans brothers.
As W increasingly moves toward infinity, the quality of both films reaches zero and the economy starts to suffer because mindless teenagers piss away their parents’ money at $7.50 a ticket.
Zero times anything equals zero, including your self-respect.
Hence, “Date Movie” equals zero.
Ergo, you’d be infinitely better off to poke both of your eyes out with a crayon rather than to watch this movie.
That’s math and you can’t argue with math.
I preemptively hate this film.
-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu
‘Eight Below’
I was looking at the promo poster for the movie for like 20 minutes thinking, “Why is it called ‘Eight Below’ if there are nine dogs?” before I realized the one in the middle was Paul Walker.
I’ve never met the Deedles, so I’m not sure I can really judge Paul Walker as an actor, but I don’t like him.
He’s just so fast that it makes me furious.
Despite Walker taking time out of his busy schedule with his secret murderous society to stink up this show, I’m actually looking forward to it because it’s “inspired” by a true story.
I love it when movies are “inspired” by real life because it gives me hope that some day I can turn the time my parents left me at the Dairy Queen for 15 minutes into an epic action/adventure trilogy in which I get the girl (played wonderfully by Kirsten Dunst) and kill a ninja (played by Paul Walker).
According to some promotional literature, this movie promises to be “the most amazing story of survival, friendship and adventure ever told.” I’ve never had an advertisement lie to me before, so we should be OK.
Beyond that, a special cameo appearance of the Loch Ness monster playing a seal has me preemptively loving this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu
‘Freedomland’
Samuel L. Jackson is cool.
He, Jack Nicholson and Sean Connery are practically in their own class in Hollywood as the hands-down, across-the-board, coolest actors in the business. What’s more, they have not yet graduated to the Chuck Norris “I’m really cool but I can only do cameo appearances now” category.
Jackson shows that in “Freedomland.”
Brenda Martin (Julianne Moore) drags herself into an emergency room one night beaten and in shock. She claims she was the victim of a car-jacking, but detective Lorenzo Council (Jackson) senses there’s more to it. He finally gets out of Martin that her son was asleep in the back seat of the car when it was stolen.
The investigation into the event and search for her son opens up racial tensions between neighboring towns.
Although it looks like the movie might be a political statement at times, you have to give it props for being one of about three films in the last five years that isn’t a re-make. Hollywood actually had to use some genuine creativity to make this one.
The movie will probably bring some real, positive, non-controversial buzz to the box office that has been missing since “The Chronicles of Narnia” left the theaters.
And it has Samuel L. Jackson in it, so I preemptively love this movie.
-by Bryan Hinton/bhinton@cc.usu.edu