Pre-emptive Critics – Oct. 3, 2008

‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People’

By Mikaylie Kartchner

Offending everyone on Oct. 2. How’s that for a catch phrase? It’s like saying, “Please pay $8 for crap.” The only thing that bugs me more is that people actually do it.

Here are my movie guarantees. There will be drugs, sex, lies and a bunch of other high society clichés. You may be offended. You may be grossed out. You’ll probably be bored.

I don’t predict a very strong plot line which means if you aren’t totally sucked in by crude jokes and other forms of vulgarity, I suggest you read the book.

Or better yet – just skip it all together and find yourself a more inspiring true story. Why would you want to spend an hour and a half being inspired by a moron? That’s a rhetorical question. For those still pondering, enjoy the show.

The few big names may keep the movie from falling out completely, but they won’t be enough to save the ship. Kirsten Dunst and Simon Pegg do not suck, and I bet they’ll bring in a few dollars on their reputations alone. But the two certainly weren’t being too choosy with this picture. Maybe they were low on offers. Or maybe there just isn’t enough good scripts out there for everyone. Who knows?

Regardless, now they are both stuck on the cinema Titanic which is destined for the bad script, poor plot, mediocre acting iceberg. Hopefully, the lifeboats come soon.

If you couldn’t tell, I pre–emptily hate this movie.

–mikaylie.k@aggiemail.usu.edu

‘An American Carol’

By Tim Russell

Imagine the classic and loveable “Christmas Carol” gone bad with political satire – that’s “An American Carol” in a nutshell.

To the film’s credit, “An American Carol” does have a clever plot. In the film, Kevin Farley plays Michael Malone, a parody of Michael Moore, who is campaigning to end the celebration of the Fourth of July. Why? Because Michael Malone believes America is a truly disgusting and terrible place, thus not worth celebrating.

But Malone’s campaigning ends when he is visited by three ghosts of Christmas past – George Washington, George S. Patton and John F. Kennedy.

Intriguing? Yes, but let me point out the obvious, this is a spoof – spoofs are notoriously bad. If this movie contains anything more than the run-of-the-mill immature pre-adolescent humor, I’ll be shocked.
But enough about that. The real newsworthy information here is Kevin Farley. Up until 10 minutes ago, I never knew Chris Farley had a brother, something I’m not proud to admit.

Here I am writing these extremely professional and thought provoking movie reviews, while having no clue Kevin Farley existed. I feel like someone just told me Santa Claus isn’t real (and we all know he is).

So, please bear with me as I take this all in. My mind has just been thoroughly blown. This isn’t just any old Hollywood actor, this is the brother of the SNL Chippendale dance guy. Come on, people.

According to imdb.com, he has made roughly 50 appearances in movies and television. Except most of those have been guest appearances, not starring roles. So I guess I shouldn’t feel too guilty.

I pre–emptively love Kevin Farley. (Wasn’t I supposed to review a movie or something? Oh, well.)

–tim.russell@aggiemail.usu.edu