Preemptive Moview Reviews
88 MinutesBy David Baker
I hope this movie isn’t some ploy to get us to watch a longer version of “60 Minutes.” And if you’ve ever watched “60 Minutes,” you know that show is way longer than an hour – at least it seems that way. It takes Andy Rooney at least 35 minutes to ramble through the “A few minutes with Andy Rooney” part. Unless you’re over the age of 85, there’s no way you can even decode what Rooney’s saying anyways. Leslie Stahl, though, pretty hot for an AARP member. I’d say Leslie Stahl is a bonafide sabertooth tiger – I don’t know what the appropriate term is for an attractive older women that’s past the cougar stage, but I think that works. Sadly, Leslie’s foxy self won’t be gracing the screen in “88 Minutes,” but Al Pacino stars in the movie, and he’s old. But is he “60 Minutes” old? I’m not sure. Actually, I was fairly sure Pacino died after “Scent of a Woman,” so I don’t know exactly how old the bastard is. I have to say one thing: When they call a movie “88 Minutes,” it better actually be 88 minutes, not 108 minutes. So, because they lied to me and the world, I’ll say I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu
“Prom Night”By Aaron Peck
Hey, look, it’s another girl in distress. Actually, distress is putting it mildly.
I’m going to use this little pre-emptive review to get up on my soapbox about how the ratings system is the biggest farce in our country. The system for rating movies is so arbitrary and ridiculous; it’s insane to realize a movie like this can get away with a PG-13 rating.
I agree with Kevin Smith when he was asked how he would rate films in the documentary “This Film is Not Yet Rated.” He said any movies where a woman is constantly being thrown around, beaten up, smacked, stabbed, punched, threatened or raped, are the types he’d give an R rating.
I’m sure there will plenty of parts where a poor young high school girl is being chased down dark hallways by a faceless criminal. I’m sure people (not me because I will not be seeing this film) will have to endure endless scenes where the poor girl is being dragged by her hair, punched and assaulted.
But, don’t worry. Since this movie doesn’t show any boobs, gyrating sex scenes or realistic depictions of violence, it’s OK for all those budding young 13-year-old boys to see. It’s OK to teach them women are there to be thrown around and abused. It is PG-13, that’s all most people care about anyway, isn’t it?
I pre-emptively hate, hate, hate this movie. And I pre-emptively, present-emptively, and post-emptively hate the MPAA and it’s ratings.
-aaronpeck@aggiemail.usu.edu
“Where in the world is Osama Bin Laden?”By G. Christopher Terry Morgan Spurlock’s last movie, the hit documentary “Super Size Me,” stung McDonald’s pretty bad. The fast food titan will never admit it, but their massive “what we’re made of” campaign is basically a direct response to being trashed on film by Spurlock. The ads on TV show kaleidoscoping images of healthy red USDA-approved beef, bulbous brown Idaho potatoes, and vitamin-rich carrots set to a drumbeat as multi-ethnic as the models eating the french fries. McDonalds: the healthy fast food. How much credit can Spurlock take for shaming McDonald’s into a massive PR effort? I looked at Burger King’s Web site, and those people clearly don’t give a hoot about healthy food. They have a short list of links to press releases about good works the BK corporation is doing. It pales next to the audiovisual tour de force that is McDonald’s “what we’re made of” site. Meanwhile, the typical Burger King TV commercial basically equates unhealthy consumption with male primacy. Another example would be Wendy’s, which has nothing more than the FDA-mandated nutrition information on its Web site. These places know they’re shit, they know you know, and they’re not the slightest bit interested in even trying to appear to be something better. How could you let all those other greasepits slide by like that, Morgan? I appreciate your efforts to find Osama Bin Laden, but what’s really needed here is “Super Size Me II: Carl’s Junior.” McDonald’s is actually my favorite fast food. The burgers have a mushy quality that makes them very easy to eat. They have the best fries too. Most McDonald’s are noticeably cleaner and better smelling than the competition. In Logan, going from Mickey D’s to BK is like going from the Taj Mahal to an outhouse in Wyoming, in July. Why would anyone who wasn’t a total sap ever eat there? McDonald’s also has the best fast food breakfast. I like the McSkillet burrito. It has meat, cheese, skillet potatoes, peppers, spicy sauce, some other good things, and comes with a giant fried hash brown. Oh, yeah, Morgan Spurlock’s new movie. I dunno. Who really cares? No one reads this garbage. I pre-emptively think it looks sort of funny.
-graham.terry@aggiemail.usu.edu