RANDOM THOUGHTS: The Loony Foodie: The best cereals (like, ever)
Think fast. What is a college student’s best friend? If you said a razor scooter or a late-night study group, you’re dead wrong. Aside from confirming the fact that you’re a freshman, you’ve also made the egregious error of under-utilizing the single most helpful aid available in the modern student’s arsenal.
Cereal. Yes, cereal, the miraculous combination of simple sugars and fortified vitamins which does a body good and prepares our little minds for exams and pop quizzes.
Now that you are kicking around the old 84321 again, chances are you’ve traded in dad’s scrambled eggs for boxes of the good stuff, perusing your local Macey’s or Smith’s in search of your childhood favorite. With some many options to choose from, however, where does your dollar go?
The question can be mind-boggling, especially with so many cereals claiming to be “healthier” than others, and with so many cheap imitators trying to dissuade us from our top picks.
My suggestion? LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Don’t let your money or your waistline guide you. Money can be made via a job, and your significant other will learn to love that little pooch you’ve been working on. Classic cereals, however, cannot be duplicated, and to resign yourself to a life of shredded wheat or (gasp) Kashi is to forsake your inner child forever.
I will, of course, never do such a thing, and in a fitting tribute to the days of Disney’s “One Saturday Morning,” I give you my top 10 cereals of all-time.
10) Fiber One Honey Clusters: Yes, we begin our countdown with a healthy cereal. Cardboard? No. Far from it in fact, Mr. ambiguously-defined ethnic spokesman. Not only do the “bran” flakes taste like honey suckle, but the crunchy brown-sugar oat clusters give this cereal street cred even amidst us sugarholics. No joke – I seriously have five boxes of this stuff stocked up in my room, just in case, you know, the world as we know it should come to an end.
9) Cinnabon: A relative newcomer to the cereal scene, this stuff is seriously almost as good as an actual Cinnabon, except without the risk of inducing a massive heart attack. Much better when eaten without milk, which only dilutes the insanely yummy sugar-rush.
8) Cookie Crisp: In no way, shape or form does this cereal taste like an actual cookie, but that is okay with me, especially if we are talking about the relatively new Cookie Crisp sprinkles variety. For some reason I have no conception of what Cookie Crisp tastes like, even when eating it. Still, it’s highly addictive, and one of the best “from the box” snacking cereals you could ask for.
7) Honey Nut Cheerios: One day, when we’re all slightly portly 35-year old dudes –or ladies, I don’t discriminate – with bad cholesterol, we’ll be comforted to know that we can possibly forestall death by several years just by eating the most classic of the cheerio variants. Not only is the honey flavor more pronounced than most cereals, but the hint of savory lends a certain sophistication. It is a good thing, too, considering it’s the only cereal to be endorsed by a knock-kneed bee (try saying that five times fast).
6) Golden Grahams: It may not be the sexiest of kid’s cereals, but dag-nabbit, that honey glaze gets me every time. Is it just me, or is this one of the best cereals at absorbing milk? Loses points for lack of an endorsement by a cartoon character, but will always stand out due to lack of cheap imitators.
5) Honey Bunches of Oats (Original): The strong notes of brown sugar and barley lend a great complexity and depth of flavor to this cereal, which scores points for it’s status as one of the few “acceptable” grown-up choices which also doesn’t completely suck.
4) Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites (Chocolate): Fiber-schmiber. The folks at Kellogg’s don’t have to give me health claims to get me to buy this stuff. Few chocolate cereals pack the double whammy of cocoa flavor and actual cocoa butter, but this one does. The little bites are embedded with a rich sugar glaze and small chocolate chips. A great addition to trail mix for you DIY types, but also curiously addicting in milk.
3) Lucky Charms: Disliking Lucky Charms is next to impossible, even for the most nationalistic Anglophiles, who normally would view the presence of a marshmallow toting Leprechaun as a conspiracy to influence sympathy for Irish independence. The age-old question of marshmallows or frosted oats may continue to fester until the end of time, but eaten together you can do no wrong.
2) Special K: Just kidding. This stuff tastes like crap.
2) (For Real) Froot Loops: Don’t let the folks at student wellness tell you any differently: the best part of this cereal is the sugary coating made from partially hydrogenated oils and Red #40, Blue #2 and Yellow #6. With a sinfully delicious mouth-feel and sugar as the first ingredient, Froot Loops really ought to be renamed “pure, unadulterated awesomeness” and given its own national holiday.
1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch: Really, was there any question? Not only does Cinnamon Toast Crunch taste amazing out of the box, but it produces the single greatest end-milk result ever known to man. I actually refuse to drink milk unless it’s been given a proper dunking of this cereal, which brims with a one of a kind and over-the-top flavor.
Well, there you have it. The best cereals of all time. Disagree? Think I’ve missed your favorite? Send me a nasty email telling me why and I might just reconsider my choices. But I doubt it. Until then, enjoy the sugar high, and the good health which comes from getting 15% of your vitamin A in a bowl.