Relationship pitfalls to avoid at all costs

“Today’s avoiding relationship pitfalls seminar has been cancelled.”

This sign hung on the door just across the hall from the Statesman office Wednesday, a kind of hilarious omen for anyone who happened to be looking forward to the meeting. I personally hadn’t heard of the seminar until now, nor had I planned on attending, but I couldn’t help but feel for those who may have been looking forward to this event. As someone fortunate enough to have a platform for stating opinions to the public, I felt it was only appropriate that I fill in for the cancelled seminar with a few pointers.

I’m certainly no relationship expert, but on the subject of relationship pitfalls I think I can hold my own. Relationships are a tricky subject, and worthwhile advice is usually tough to come by as it is so often offered by your perpetually single friends who probably shouldn’t be advising anybody.

What follows is a purely hypothetical list of what you might want to consider dating red flags. Please note any references that follow are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

First and foremost, beware of special snowflake syndrome. Did the guy you’re into just get mad at you for taking a nap instead of texting him back immediately without delay? Does your date refer to herself as “Princess”? How many pictures of Marilyn Monroe appear on her Facebook page? Does the dude you’re crushing on think he’s the bomb because his dad spent more money on a truck than his friends’ dads? Has he invited you to a pizza party where you can totally hear all about an exciting summer job opportunity?

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if I were, I’d tell you to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible. There’s a certain brand of person who honestly believes life owes them something, and that any violation of this is reason enough to think they deserve something more extravagant. In a relationship this often takes the ugly form of unfair expectations, which in extreme cases constitutes emotional abuse and in mild cases still means you’re dating the exact kind of impolite meanie your mother would disapprove of.

Next, what kinds of things are you and your significant other into? This should be sort of obvious, but generally you want a relationship with someone who wants some of the same things you do. This is the first thing to slip your mind the minute you see a cute girl staring you down from across a classroom. Dating someone out of convenience or because being single kind of sucks sometimes is not a good reason for dating. It may in fact be one of the worst reasons for dating.

I may be under-qualified to be writing advice columns but here’s one thing I know — dating someone because it’s easy is like stealing a car from the bus loop simply because someone left the keys in the ignition. You can only rationalize your reckless decision for so long before the thrill dies down and the joyride ends and your sorry butt is left pleading with your friends to come bail you out.

And you can bet those friends won’t ever let you forget what a stupid decision that was for the rest of your days.

Lastly, don’t put too much stock in how you think things are “supposed” to be. Relationships aren’t like The Notebook. At least I hope yours aren’t, because it’d be pretty crappy of you to sleep with someone else’s fiance. Dating isn’t a means to an end anyway — it’s not like you get to finally lock down a spouse and then give up on all the fun stuff you did at the start of your relationship.

I mean, you technically could do that, but then your marriage will suck and you’ll have a whole host of other issues to deal with.

Date someone you actually enjoy being around. If you can sit on the same couch while one of you completes four chapters of mind-numbing geography homework while the other drifts off into a power nap, you’ve got something special worth hanging onto. It may not be the most classically romantic thing in the world, but the ability to just be friends is underrated. Lots of people can buy flowers, but rare is the person who will just sit and keep you company without any other plans that day.

— Logan Jones is a junior majoring in journalism. He’s currently dating the prettiest girl in Utah. Contact him with feedback at Logantjones@aggiemail.usu.edu or on twitter @Logantj.