‘Republicanitis’ is now curable
In a shocking new development, graduate students working side by side with professors at Utah State University have developed a revolutionary new drug. Leading pharmacists and doctors testify this is the most important development in medicine since the discovery of penicillin.
This new pill has been shown to stop the spread of, and even in some cases completely cure, Republicanitis. This mental disorder occurs mainly in white, middle class, Protestant males, but it has reached across nearly all races, ethnics groups and income levels. Even some women have contracted severe cases of Republicanitis.
Republicanitis can be traced throughout human history. Symptoms have been documented as early as 800 B.C.
Some of these symptoms include, but are not necessarily limited to: an unexplained affinity for big business, a complete disregard for the care of our planet, chronic ignorance of those that do not share in their delusional disease, complete abandonment of minority causes, electing public officials that have the approximate IQ of dirt clods, starting needless wars with no real action plan and, perhaps most disturbing of all, coining phrases like “compassionate conservatism” and “strategery.”
Some forms of Republicanitis have even been diagnosed in certain animals, including baboons, leeches and many forms of insects.
Many with this disorder begin to rationalize their psychopathic behavior saying, “It’s not a disease, it’s perfectly normal to say ‘strategery.'” You may have even incorporated such phrases and mindsets into your daily lives. The advice that I must give you is: if you voted, or would have voted for George W. Bush, YOU NEED HELP. There are clinics that are designed to help you.
If you have a friend or family member that you think may have become contaminated, confront them on this subject. At first, they will deny they have a problem, since denial is very common in cases such as this. We must eradicate this disorder from each man, woman and child contaminated if we wish to progress as a society.
It took many years to develop the cure for this disorder. Many experiments were conducted in the 1950s using shock therapy. The Republican volunteer would be placed in a rubber room with electrodes attached to various spots on his body. Inside the room, there would be placed pictures of prominent political figures on opposite sides of the room. On one, a picture would be placed of a prominent historical figure with Republicanitis, such as Hitler, Nixon, Sam Walton or Satan. And on the other would be placed a hero of democracy like FDR, Thomas Jefferson or Jesus – yes, there is early documental proof that he was, in fact, a Democrat.
As those infected would naturally gravitate toward the psychotic figures, meaning Republicans, the electrodes would send electric pulses through their body, causing severe discomfort. After several hours of these sessions, many members of the treatment group began to understand and slowly crawled toward the pictures of the various sane individuals, meaning Democrats. Nevertheless, upon further investigation it became clear that these treatments were not working. These treatment groups were found watching Fox News and shouting out “strategery” in their sleep. It become clear that shock treatment was not a solution to this horrible disorder. Other treatments, including education and starvation were tried, but all failed.
The medical research team at Utah State University was the first to try and treat Republicanism as a mental disorder. They discovered that there was in fact a vast chemical imbalance present in most, if not all, Republicans. The portion of the brain that connected logical thinking with the portion of the brain that carries out the orders was completely offline in most Republicans.
“This began the search for the cure,” says one leading USU physiologist. “After we diagnosed where the problems lay, we were able to identify the chemicals that were essential to maintaining logical practices as human beings. After the symptoms were diagnosed, the source of the problem was identified and it was only a matter of time before a cure was found. We just happened to beat the other researchers to the punch.”
Dr. George Anderson of Cambridge University explains the significance of the discovery of this new treatment.
“Republicanism is the most common mental disorder in human history, affecting over 50 percent of the population at certain points in American history. While it will take time for those affected to realize the need for their medication, the faster we get this problem under control, the faster we can advance as a society,” he said.
A cautionary note that many involved in the development and distribution of this drug wish us to issue is to keep in mind that progress will be slow. There are millions in our country affected by this ghastly disorder; our own president has an exceptionally severe case. Many will wish to remain in their old ways of war mongering and insanity, so we must keep an open mind and try to offer a shoulder to cry on for the Republicans. However, safety must come first, and some Republicans may have such a longing to stay in their own ways that they may become hostile toward those that are sane. Nevertheless, the FDA has recently approved the use of “Republican-proof pepper spray,” which has been shown to stop many of the more extreme symptoms of Republicanitis. It is advisable to keep a bottle of this spray with you at all times until this epidemic is under control.
If you find yourself thinking, “I’m going to vote Republican,” don’t worry, there’s a pill for that.
Seth Bracken is majoring in journalism and political science. Comments can be sent to sethb@cc.usu.edu.