REVIEW: Talent and beauty don’t converge at ‘Crossroads’
Crossroads is Britney Spears’ first movie, and it won’t be her last. However, if Spears is to ever be anything more than a cardboard actress (or should I say plastic?), then she and her agent need to meld their brains together and begin seeking cinematic employment that doesn’t have the words “banal,” “meaningless” and “silly” in the job description. Like Spears’ music, Crossroads is cheap, unbelievable and hollow. For the sake of the three people in Logan who really wanted to see this film, and for the sake of pot-infested college students who can’t afford to lose anymore brain cells, I will attempt to reconstruct the plot. No laughing, this is serious business. Smirk. It goes something like this. Lucy (Britney Spears), Kit (Zoe Saldana) and Mimi (Taryn Manning) are three chummy pals who reunite on graduation day to dig up a box full of eighth grade goal statements. Yes, long ago the trio buried their dreams, and now, despite not being very close, they find themselves driving to California. Lucy wants to find her long-lost mother, Kit is looking for her fiancé in L.A, and Mimi is pregnant, but hoping to compete in a record company’s audition. Along the way, the plucky air-heads pick up a hunky, self-proclaimed murderer, played by newcomer Anson Mount. On a side note, I’d wage a buffalo nickel the name Anson Mount is about as authentic as Britney’s boobs. Furthermore, let it be known that according to this film’s message, if you are a male drifter/killer, hitchhiking with a five o’clock shadow, you are poised to have sexual escapades with a mediocre female pop artist. That lesson alone could be worth the $6 admission price. Other lessons learned from this movie: Dancing in your panties will make you happy. Impromptu singing at a karaoke bar will earn you hordes of cash and if you like crappy pop songs like “I’m Not a Girl Yet a Woman” you can transform them into equally smarmy poetry. Britney Spears and Jewel ought to collaborate. I’ll tell you the ending, because first, I don’t care, and second, you already know from past experience what will happen to the girls. Yes, Lucy’s mom rejects her, Kit realizes her fiancé is not coming back and Mimi miscarries. I know, it’s cheery, but what can you expect from this blemish in film history. If my message about this film is blurred, know this: I would rather sit through Freddy Got Fingered and watch Tom Green fondle a horse instead of viewing one more frame of Crossroads.