“Run Fatboy Run”

It’s a tale as old as time: a guy doing something ridiculous to get with the woman he loves – or realistically, would just love to see naked.

This time it’s running a marathon. Jogging is a gripping climax to a movie, for sure, but there are other, much more badass ways to impress a girl.

1. Fighting a grizzly bear, a Bengal tiger and a manta ray in the world’s most dangerous battle royale.

2. Being the lead guitar player for a sizzling metal band and shaking your leather-encased-sock-stuffed crotch at her while you’re on stage ripping through pentatonics at warp speed.

3. I’ve heard flowers and a card with a silly rhymed poem and XOXOs are quite effective.

4. Inviting her over when you know you’ll be getting out of the shower and flexing your still-wet muscles while you talk to her about your daily ab routine.

5. Robbing a bank and using the money to buy a Ferrari. This accomplishes three things in one numbered entry: First, girls love bad boys, and if you rob a bank, that’s pretty bad – especially if you do it dressed as Chuck Norris and roundhouse kick the head off of a teller. Second, girls dig a guy with a fat wad … of money. Last, nothing more clearly states your impressiveness – and inadequacy issues – like a Ferrari. And if you had one, you could drive the damn 26 miles of that marathon, mowing down runners as you paddle shift through all six gears.

Oh hell, the movie. Well, I pre-emptively love Simon Pegg. There are no zombies or the shooting of two guns whilst flying through the air, so I’m pre-emptively meh (Insert shoulder shrug here) about “Run Fatboy Run.”

-da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu