SAAVI changed my life

In September 2015, I was raped by a someone who seemed like a “nice” guy. I was young and naïve and didn’t really know what to think of what happened to me. I was drunk, so it must have been my fault. Months went by and I carried this mentality with me. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel sad about it because I broke a rule, and that’s what I get for breaking a rule.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I watched movies and soap operas with the same classic scenario: two people meet at a bar, they sleep together, and then they go on with life as is the next day. So I guess that’s what I had to do; I had to go on with life as is.

Well, the truth is, you don’t just “go on with life as is” it doesn’t work like that. My grades dropped, my relationships with others started to diminish, and I felt like any hope of a normal future was far out of my reach. I felt like I had no control over my life, I felt like I would be stuck in this perpetual state of tragedy forever. This was my reality.

Until one day, I received an enormous blessing in my life. A friend of mine referred me to the Sexual Assault and Anti-Violence office. “I really think you could benefit from this”, I remember her saying. I was deathly afraid. I knew seeing a counselor meant I had to face the incident, I had to talk about it. And that was not something I was interested in.

But I went anyways. I remember walking through the Utah State University Health and Wellness Center and being terrified. Terrified someone would see me or judge me. Terrified to talk about what happened, and most of all, terrified that no one would take me seriously. Because in my mind, what happened was my choice. And I needed to live with that and I waited anxiously for someone to remind me of that. That’s what I expected to happen and that’s why I dreaded this first appointment.

I sat in the waiting chair and nervously struck up a conversation with the sweet secretary with candy on her desk. Moments later, I was greeted with a smile by one of the most amazing women I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. “Alison, come on back”. She was so beautiful inside and out and had this warming, welcoming sense about her. The second I sat down I knew things were going to work out. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of anymore.

I explained the scenario. I told her exactly what had happened and how I felt about it. Before moving on, she explained the options I had regarding the reporting process. She explained that I had the option of reporting the incident anonymously through the school, openly through the school, or to the police. She explained the options in detail but emphasized that whatever I chose to do, it was my choice. Never, at any point, did she pressure me to choose one option or the other. Because it is my choice. As a rape victim, I constantly feel like I have no choice. I feel like my life is not under my own control, and it was empowering to be reminded that I had a choice here. A free willing, non-pressured choice.

We live in a corrupt world. We live in a world where perpetrators are felt guilty for. We live in a world where victims are blamed for “ruining their perpetrators lives.” As a victim, your life will never be the same. It generally takes years to feel and think the same way you did before the incident. Feelings of powerlessness, fear, guilt, and worthlessness become your norm. Your self-esteem is crumbled. Broken into a million little pieces and buried under confusion. Making sense of what happened to you is an incredibly long, difficult journey. Working through the recovery process has been the most difficult experience of my life. It has never been easy; but I have never been alone.

Throughout the recovery process, I have had the compassion of the USU SAAVI office by my side. I am able to meet with Jenny, the head of the SAAVI office on a weekly basis, and I am often able to meet multiple times a week, during weeks which are especially difficult. The SAAVI office has been the greatest blessing in my life. They are, without a doubt, one of the best services USU has to offer. SAAVI encourages choice, and protects the victim in whatever their choice may be. SAAVI goes above and beyond to make sure their clients are feeling as safe as possible.

One in every five women will be raped in her lifetime. No one goes to college and expects to be raped. No one goes to a party and expects to wake up the next day bruised and confused. Rape is an awful yet common part of collegiate life, and SAAVI is working to change that. SAAVI has changed so many lives on this campus, and I hope they can continue to help.

Alison Berg is a sophomore studying psychology, but she plans to switch to Journalism and Communication. And she’s originally from San Francisco, California.