Schwartzman’s bold predictions for 2014
Let’s be real with ourselves: 2013, pretty blah.
Now, before all the 2013-istas come at me with hate, backlash and various Daft Punk
music videos, know you only act in such defiance because you know I’m correct. To live in this fast-moving, miracle-prone technological age and the biggest breakthrough of the year was the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco – which, by the way, was clearly a “meh” at best? We simply underperformed.
I suppose the beauty of our calendar system is the concept of starting over and seeking redemption in hope we can somehow outlive the perils, disasters and Kanye-Kardashian children that drove 2013 into the damp, dark soil. We build these hopes and expect the downward spirals in a lil’ ditty I like to call “Steve’s Bold Predictions for 2014,” starting with…
1. News
This year’s main development unfolds when White House representatives deliver a shocking announcement that presidential elections will be pushed up to 2014, thus deeming those intending to run in 2016 unfunded and ill-prepared and leveling the largest playing field in the history of the electoral college. Following several intensely watched debates and 34 states refusing to submit an electoral vote, all eyes are on final candidates Michael J. Fox and that Geico lizard thing. When technological glitches abound, Congress makes the decision to overthrow all votes and choose the ruler of the free world in an all-parties foot race. I won’t fully ruin the result for you, but let’s just say you’ll want to get your “I Voted for Usain Bolt” T-shirts ordered on Amazon Prime sooner than later.
In public policy news, legislation will soon be passed to ban all variations of mixing chicken and steak in Cafe Rio smothered burritos. Quoting a prominent senator, “Show me a scenario where it is fair that someone get two meats when all other potential combos are gross and I’ll strike this bill right now. What’s next, guacamole and sour cream for free? This nation was built on order, for heaven’s sake.” Speaking of the enjoyment of individuals making a scene for pointless reasons, let’s move on to …
2. Entertainment
Before I start here, no twerking jokes. Seriously, stop asking.
In an effort to boost NBC’s ratings and change entertainment landscapes, on-brink television programs “Community” and “Parks and Recreation” write, produce and debut an hour-long episode portraying both shows at once entitled “The Greendale Human Beings meet Pawnee Park and Recreation.” It mostly goes about as expected, except Britta sings the entire time and Will Arnett spends the episode perplexed as to which show he is guest starring on, leading to a courtroom scene that organically becomes the most dramatic part of the episode. Also Tina Fey is there, though we’re not sure why.
Following in the spirit of collaboration, music icons Eminem and Justin Timberlake decide to come together on, for all things, a country album. This leads to a whole ton of jokes, so I’ll just let you insert your favorite here. While you work on that, it
‘s about time we talk about …
3. Sports
Looking to make their installment the greatest Olympics of all time, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announces the return of trampoline/basketball conglomerate Slamball. In one of the greatest underdog stories in sports history, the Croatian tram defies all odds and completes a trampoline routine that wins both the gold medal and “America’s Got Talent,” yet again boosting NBC’s ratings.
Also, LeBron James does a lot of things right around the time Tiger Woods does things, and in a move that warms every viewing heart, quarterback Johnny Manziel finally admits to being the inspiration for Cory Matthews from “Boy Meets World,” thus becoming America’s hero. Not a BMW fan? You must not be trendy, which is the perfect segue into …
4. Trends
Patterned leggings quickly fade out of fashion culture once magazines portray the realization it’s much more cost effective to just paste wallpaper directly to the legs. Also, old fashioned glaze donuts become the new fast food bun craze and the phrase “more than puppies” becomes a widespread euphemism for “a lot of something.” Closing with the most prominent topic of the year …
5. John Stamos
Listen, work with me on this. It’s going to be hard to believe, but all things must come to pass. In a move that sends waves through Twitter and preempts all network television programs – though still somehow boosting NBC’s ratings – Stamos publicly admits to wearing corduroys. Overnight corduroy sales sail through the roof, being noted by fashion magazines as “the new khaki,” “jeans with corn rows” and “the Allen Iverson of pants,” as well as the all-approved change to the new historical timeline from B.C. and A.D. to B.S.C. – “Before Stamos in Cords” – and A.S.P. – “After Sexy Pants.”
And there you have it. No matter how accurate these predictions may be, one thing is for sure; this year is promised to be fun. Very fun. Like, more than puppies fun. Just trust me on this. Enjoy 2014, everyone.