‘Sex Educated’: Bonnie Young’s mission to end sex stigma for LDS women

Bonnie Young is a Latter-day Saint and Ph.D. student at Utah State University studying marriage and family therapy. As a licensed therapist, she has found that many young LDS women struggle with sexuality, which provided the inspiration for her book “Sex Educated.” 

Young works to help clients with anxiety, religious obsessive-compulsive disorder and sexual issues. Young’s experiences gave her the knowledge to publish “Sex Educated,” a book formatted as a series of letters written to her younger self. 

“This book is meant to be read by women of all ages,” Young said in a phone interview. “It’s really accessible. It’s really safe. I’ve had readers from all different ages say that they couldn’t put it down.” 

Young said her book is meant to educate women and help them to heal and develop a healthy relationship with sexuality. 

“Writing about sexuality, especially in a Latter-day Saint context, is a really important job,” Young said. “It’s such an important and sacred and special topic. Being able to approach it in a really accessible, non-threatening way is also really important.” 

According to Young, the process of writing and publishing her book from start to finish took years. 

Young said it is important for women to be educated and share their experiences with other women. 

“I think that historically and culturally, there’ve been a lot of things that worked against us,” Young said. “I think that there’s a lot of potential for fulfillment and joy in sexual relationships. A lot of the women that I work with clinically really struggle to have that experience.” 

She wrote her book to create a resource she wished she had when she was first married. 

“It was born out of love and affection for my own experience, but also others’ experiences as well,” Young said. 

During Young’s time at Brigham Young University, Tammy Hill, a professor and a marriage and family therapist, was a mentor to her. 

In an email response, Hill described Young’s book as “A wonderful, human approach to understanding sexuality in the perspective of a young girl growing up.” 

According to Hill, the information in Young’s book is important to help young women have a healthier perspective on sexuality. 

Hill said women often face challenges in their sexuality.  

“They are responsible for men’s thinking, and for gatekeeping the level of physicality in the relationship,” Hill said. 

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, an LDS therapist, helped review the book in its final stages. 

“Bonnie does a really nice job of speaking at the level that an early adolescent girl could understand and literally benefit from,” Finlayson-Fife said in a phone interview. “It does a nice job of speaking right to the heart of what many girls would be feeling and offering a much healthier, self-accepting and sexuality-embracing perspective that is still about living a good, moral life.” 

Finlayson-Fife said Bonnie’s book uses her adult wisdom to talk at the level that her younger self needed. 

“There’s often this feeling that sexuality is something to be feared,” Finlayson-Fife said. “Something that can kind of pull you towards evil or something dangerous — an anxiety that you kind of have to keep at arm’s length.” 

According to Finlayson-Fife, many of the women she works with feel unprepared for marriage because of negative feelings toward sexuality. 

“They also feared their sexuality — saw it as a sort of Satan’s pathway,” Finlayson-Fife said. “A lot of women are trying to find a way to rethink sexuality and how it can be part of a good, moral safe space of life.” 

She said young girls should try to see their sexuality as valuable and worthy. 

“Even though it’s a very powerful part of being human, and therefore sometimes a little scary, it’s a really beautiful part of being human,” Finlayson-Fife said. “I guess my message would be not to be afraid of sexuality, but to understand it as a gift.” 

Emmalee Fishburn, the senior prevention specialist for USU’s Office of Equity, said it is important to make accessible education and resources regarding sex. 

“People of all genders receive conflicting messages about sexuality and how they should/shouldn’t express it. Women, specifically, are often taught that they should “protect” their sexuality,” Fishburn said in an email response. “This can result in them feeling like they can’t pursue sexual behaviors that they want to do or that it’s not okay to say ‘yes’ to something the first time a sexual partner asks them to do it.” 

Fishburn also said when people make assumptions about a woman’s sexuality based on how she dresses, it can negatively impact her self-esteem and feelings about her body. 

“Restricting access to this information perpetuates shame and stigma surrounding sexuality and can lead to non consensual/unwanted sexual experiences,” Fishburn said. “Providing access to information and resources can help people explore the possibilities of their sexual identities and desired/undesired sexual behavior.” 

Fishburn said it is important for women to know they are not alone if they struggle with sexuality. 

“A place that I would recommend starting is understanding your own sexuality,” Fishburn said. “Then, start small. Talk with people you trust about what you learned about yourself and ask them questions to learn more about them. Start paying attention to the messages about sexuality that exist in movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, etc., and then have conversations about what you’ve noticed.” 

On March 24, Young gave an educational talk at Herm’s Inn. She signed books, answered questions and discussed her experiences with the women in attendance. 

“Women are often told that they are responsible to manage others’ sexuality, and many women get this message from a young age in talks about modesty,” Young said at the event. “They grew up hearing the idea that men are really sexual, the implicit message being that they are, therefore, not.” 

Young said this pattern of thinking leads to an unhealthy cycle where women decide and dictate every physical boundary in a relationship. 

“I want to highlight that nowhere in the New Testament does Jesus tell women to cover up,” Young said. “Jesus doesn’t want us to look at anyone with lustful intent or treat them as objects. If we do, it is our own responsibility — not theirs.” 

Young said sex is inherently good, but how it’s used can make it bad. 

“Is sex being used to manipulate or coerce another person? Are you using your sexual partner? Are you being selfish with your sexuality? Are you objectifying your partner or others?” Young said. “Those ways of using sexuality are carnal, sensual and devilish.” 

According to Young, many women grew up with feelings of fear, disgust and dread surrounding sexuality, which can lead to serious mental issues in adulthood. 

“Many of the women I work with were told before their wedding, ‘Men just have needs, and part of your job as a wife is to meet those needs,’” Young said. “This dynamic may work for some amount of time, even though I’ve never seen it work before. But even if it feels like it might work, it often leads to some really sad dynamics.” 

According to Young, many LDS women learned in their childhood that sex was dirty, private and somewhat of a burden. 

“Please remember that if you’re feeling discouraged after getting this message, please know that you are not alone,” Young said. “I want us to know that we all belong.”