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Spookiest places in Logan

If haunted houses are your thing, look no further than the Logan Outlet after the sun sets. The flickering fluorescent lights and lack of hope in the eyes of the customers and cashiers alike will haunt your memory until the day you die. There is no sun, no joy, no future. Just you and them in an aisle of maybe slightly smushed protein bars.

Prefer jump scares? Try the Merrill-Cazier Library at midnight. You’ll only see zombified members of the student body quietly groaning and grunting to themselves. You’re more than likely to see at least one of them shuffling silently through the stacks. But be careful! Distracting them from their midnight deadline will be sure to send them into a manic frenzy.

Gossner Foods is also a fantastic location for some up-close-and-personal real-life portable horror you can take right along home with you! (Author’s note: I’m lactose intolerant and there’s something about the Gossner’s flavored milks that tastes like what fourth grade felt like. I am my own stupid teenage girl in the horror movie that is my digestive tract. Sent into the terror tube. Never looked back. All this to say you’ll probably be fine.)

If you love the squeamish squelching of blood and gore, the Huntsman School of Business is the place for you. There’s nothing like the cutthroat culture of capitalistic competition. plus, there’s always the added twist of statistically educating more psycho- and sociopaths than any other career field. Welcome to the rat race.

Frankenstein, Dracula, the Creature from the Black Lagoon — if this sounds like your dream blunt rotation, pay a visit to Zootah at Willow Park. Bypass the sheer squeezable adorableness of the muntjac deer to stare into the forbidding eyes of the lemurs. The real-life Eye of Sauron. Why are they red? What have they seen? How do they seem to see right through me?

If you’re more into psychological horror, take a stroll to literally any of the dorms on campus. The cult-like rituals of the new freshmen aiming to be even more obnoxious than the freshmen before, in addition to the stench of the absolute recklessness of youth, poor decision making, predatory dating culture, plus the defeated stress of upperclassman and RAs offers horrifying scenes more terrible than your worst nightmares.

A drive up Logan Canyon is sure to embarrass any observer to a terrorizing level. See if you can spot the numerous first dates between Mutual users (specifically look for boys who promised to “go on an adventure” and girls who look like they desperately wish they were literally anywhere else). As a treat, see you if you can catch anybody scream-singing angrily with tears streaming down their cheeks because their roommates are driving them absolute bat-friggin-bonkers-crazy.

Anyplace full of depressed and sexually depraved young adults allowed out on their own for the first time is sure to be fraught with horrors. You just have to know where to look. And in the words of Phineas and Ferb: one little scare ought to do you some good.