Statesman Guide to a successful True Aggie Night

It’s Homecoming Week at Utah State University, which means True Aggie Night is Friday and everyone will have the opportunity to become True Aggies. You only get True-Aggied once, and it should be a fun, memorable experience — a story you’ll be proud to share with your friends and family for generations.

No pressure.

This guide is for the giddy freshman, the awkward returned missionary, the senior who just really needs to get True Aggie Night out of the way. Here’s how to have a successful True Aggie Night:

1. Don’t go alone.

That being said, don’t hang out with your roommates all night. Go together so you have witnesses (e.g., “Dude, I totally True-Aggied Kim last night.” “It’s true, I saw the whole thing!”). It’s also convenient if you want someone to take a picture.

And while it’s better to approach people yourself, it’s not a bad idea to have a wingman — not the “hey, he wants to kiss you” wingman, but the “dude, you should just go talk to her” wingman.

2. Don’t overdo the wardrobe.

More than anything, dress for the weather. Even if your miniskirt and heels are “totes adorbs,” odds are you’ll be uncomfortable and cold. And hey, it’s fall — wear a cozy scarf and boots.

Guys are smart in this respect, and they’ll usually wear good coats. Girls, when you sweetly ask if you could borrow his coat, all he’s thinking is, “Well yeah, but why didn’t you just bring your own?” Do everyone a favor, girls, and bring your own coat.

Additionally, this should go without saying — don’t wear bright lipstick. And go easy on the cologne.

3. Don’t waste your time.

You’re there to get True-Aggied, so find someone who wants the same thing. If a potential partner says any of the following, thank them for the conversation and move on:

• “I’m just here with a friend. I think True Aggie Night is kinda weird.”
• “I’m already a True Aggie.”
• “That’s my boyfriend/girlfriend over there.”

4. Be confident.

Everyone at True Aggie Night is nervous and unsure. They all proceed with caution — it’s uncomfortable, drawn-out and emotionally taxing. But you know what the most attractive quality is? Confidence.

Be willing to engage with people and have a conversation. Find a suitable partner, then say, “You wanna do this?” And you know what? They probably won’t say “no.”

WARNING: There is a line between confidence and creepiness. It’s not even a fine line — it’s a 10-foot cement wall. Do not cross it.

5. Act natural.

It’s fun to masquerade as an cool, normal person for 20 minutes. But it’s more fun to be yourself. While waiting in line, get to know your partner, and ask questions. Me? I’d crack dad jokes and comment on how there are probably a bunch of sexual predators at the event. But you do you.

In the same vein of acting natural… if you and your partner feel you need to practice kissing beforehand, do so. Don’t embarrass yourselves up there. Out of consideration for the crowd, please don’t be awkward.

6. Be reasonably prepared.

True Aggie lip balm is petroleum gold — that is, it works like magic and is worth the $2.00. Buy some in advance for when your lips get chapped in the cold. Mints are also handy. I recommend Wintergreen Altoids.

7. Keep it classy.

Things to avoid:

• The butt-grab. Do that in your bedroom at Oakridge. Nowhere else.
• Obvious tongue action. Subtly changes everything.
• Straddling. I don’t want to see that. Your friends don’t want to see that. I think the only people who want to see that are the sexual predators I was joking about.
• Fake wedding proposals. It’s freaking adorable, until we find out it was totally staged.

Things to do:

• Short kisses. Brevity is the soul of wit. Everyone waiting in line will be grateful if you keep it simple.
• Be respectful — of the other person, of the people waiting in line and of the people that have to watch.
• Have a blast. You’re becoming a True Aggie! You’re participating in a 99-year-old tradition that unites tens of thousands of people. Colleges all over the country are jealous of our awesome tradition, and you get to be a part of it.

Good luck out there, kids.

— Brenna Kelly is a sophomore majoring in journalism, with minors in political science and multimedia. She mostly writes articles, but occasionally tweets @bckelly8. Email her at brennakelly818@gmail.com.