Steve’s tips to keep your gal from being distracted by cuteness
Author’s note: Steve very much drops a Beyonce reference in this column, post-Destiny’s Child even. As this is an event you, as the reader, may never experience again in this free world, it would be encouraged to procure a print copy of this column, submit it to hearty lamination and stow it away in a time capsule. Some things are too valuable to simply trifle with.
My fiancee loves puppies.
Hold on for a second. I’m not sure you fully grasped this, so let’s try it again.
Jenny, my fiancee, loves puppies; like, loves them, like, “Lookin’ so crazy your love’s got me lookin’, got me lookin’ so crazy your love” loves puppies. She loves puppies more than puppies love puppies.
Allow me to break it down for you. Should the event occur that she and I are together in any social, relaxed, cardiovascular setting or other means wherein we can commiserate in togetherness and any known semblance of a puppy be evident in physical, digital or even superhuman forms, she’ll immediately detract attention from myself, the individual she has committed to marry, and do one of two things.
1. Giggle.
2. Giggle faster.
She’s even told me – to my face, mind you – that in the event she needed to choose between saving me from falling to my death or being granted her own fleet of puppies, she, in her words, not mine, “wouldn’t know what to do. I’d lean toward saving you … maybe. I guess it depends on the puppies.” It’s almost a disorder at the this point.
Now, my honest point in all of this pablum is not my fiancee’s enamored state with puppies, but more so when I took this concern to my married or otherwise taken friends and they claimed the same scenario; perhaps not with puppies, per se, but with some sort of person, place, thing or breakfast cereal spokes-mascot – looking at you, Dig ‘Em – that manages to steal an individual’s emotions whenever in sight.
This, in turn, illustrates my need to share the following wisdom decree:
Dudes, beware the cute. Learn what it is and avoid it at all costs.
Need help discerning items of cutie-ness? Worry not. That’s why I’m here. Though cute in and of itself is an ageless fountain of possibility, there are at least a few things to be wary of.
First, cute things are always little. Always. This is simply non-negotiable. It’s something about tiny options that just takes a female’s emotions and, much like shrink wrap, compresses them into a whirling dervish of affection, which explains entirely why they whimper when they see cute things. Simple comparisons prove this: Puppies are always cuter than dogs, tricycles are always cuter than motorcycles, Muggsy Bogues was easily the cutest Monstar on “Space Jam.” Luckily for you, there is a simple tactic to avoid this: Always settle for bigger things. Seriously, always clip nails with a toe nail clipper, never settle for pizza rolls when Hot Pockets will do, and never – do you hear me? Ever – use mini Post-It notes. That’s like turning a memo into a professional love note; far too dangerous.
Stay away from yogurt commercials. Girls. Light linens. Low-fat dairy products. I feel like I’ve told you enough.
Little kids trying to do adult things. Have you ever witnessed a woman witnessing a 4-year-old trying to walk around in their mother’s high heels? Don’t plan on her hearing anything you’re saying for at least 45 minutes. Sadly, there isn’t much you can control to outlast the small-kid-large-show combo. However, there is one thing that, if all of your dying hopes manage to find truth, just might rear itself: snot bubbles. If you are lucky enough to stumble upon this scenario in a dusty room, you just may be saved by an overly explosive sneeze and return to your argument about why you should never buy a Jetta.
Last, always see to it those with whom your significant other interacts pay full price for clothing. You may look at me funny – which is strange in the sense that I’m probably almost never next you when you are reading my column – but think about it. Every time she runs into someone, the first thing she’ll generally say is, “Oh my, that outfit is soooo (always four Os) cute,” and, if you listen closely, you’ll note is generally reciprocated with, “Oh, this? Yeah, I got it on clearance.” It deems only one real explanation: Cute things always come in BOGOs. If my research proves correct, if they have to break bank for it, it’s homely at best.
Now you know, fellow dudes. You have a day until Valentine’s Day. The opportunity to hone your skills and spend whatever cost you must to ensure her focus stays on you and your romantic destiny is purely in your hands. If all goes well, you are sure to have an evening to remember. Then again, I guess it depends on the puppies.
– Steve Schwartzman is a senior finishing a degree in communication studies. With eight years of column writing and improvisational comedy under his belt, he lives to make you laugh. Send thoughts to steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu.