Student elections in need of an overhaul

There are few things I enjoy more than poking fun at USUSA. I’ll be the first to admit journalists often try entirely too hard to rock a boat that doesn’t need rocking, but when it comes to student government I’ve always felt it’s open season. Our student leaders need to know how to deal with public criticism, and I’d be remiss if I let student elections slip by this year without dedicating a column to our dutiful politicians-in-training.

Those campaigning for a seat in Utah State’s student government next year have placed themselves in an unenviable position. In the span of about two weeks, these candidates are expected to launch an all-out social media campaign explaining how super cool they are while simultaneously outlining their plan for a better USU student experience. It’s a tall order, and despite everyone’s best efforts to focus on student issues, it usually devolves into the same popularity contest student elections have been since the 8th grade.

Student voting relies entirely too much on promises from distant Facebook connections insisting their friend is “totally legit” and will definitely make the air cleaner, tuition cheaper and boost attendance at basketball games back to 100 percent.

We all know those promises mean well, but that doesn’t make them any less bogus. The most visible student government accomplishment in the last three years was the addition of a suggestion box widget to USU’s homepage.

It is for this reason I believe our student elections are due for a massive overhaul. If we’re going to once again be subjected to constant pestering from would-be student leaders during election week, and it’s all going to amount to changes barely noticeable to the general student body, we should at least require elections to include an element of fun.

Where’s the annual student government dodgeball tournament? We could hold it in the Spectrum and make it a big event for local businesses — it wouldn’t be the first time the Spectrum was used by USUSA for election purposes. Would anybody not go to watch that? You learn a lot about the way someone approaches dodgeball. Do they race out at the beginning to grab a ball and go on the offensive? Do they hide in the back and just try to survive the round?

You laugh, but that’s a hell of a lot more information than some Instagram post and a hashtag rhyming a candidate’s name with a random positive attribute.

While we’re on this tangent, why not have aspiring student officers compete in halftime contests at basketball games? If someone wants to be my 2016 Hurd president, they better be able to hold their own in a round of bungee-cord basketball in front of several thousand peers.

We could even go full early-2000’s reality show and have those students running unopposed eat something unspeakable in order to prove their dedication to their chosen position. Muffins from The Junction would be the obvious choice, though some may consider that inhumane.

Whatever happened to that bubble soccer equipment from last spring? Is that just laying around in a shed somewhere? Let’s bust that out and set up a match on the quad. Instead of being late to class trying to push through countless A-frames, I’d gladly skip class entirely to see our future leaders harmlessly careen into one another in protective bouncy hamster balls. Utah State would be the first university to ever make ESPN’s top ten for a student election activity.

The point is most people don’t vote, and if they do it’s out of loyalty to a friend or convenience. The platforms candidates run on are nice ideas — everyone loves a bullet point list — but ultimately there’s no way for them to prove any sort of aptitude for accomplishing those goals.

So instead we’ll continue to elect those who stand at our bus stop with an iPad, too non-confrontational to deny their wishes.

I would proudly vote for someone who absorbed a big hit in bubble soccer with grace. It’d make exactly as much sense as the foolish reasons most people vote the way they do.

— Logan Jones is a junior majoring in journalism. He’ll vote for any candidate who promises to open a Sprinkles Cupcakes on campus. Contact him at Logantjones@aggiemail.usu.edu or on twitter @Logantj.