Student retains umbilical chord
Jake Jensen. sophomore student who doesn’t trust a poinsonous plants lab on campus.
Jake Jensen describes himself as six feet tall, arms like tree trunks, eyes like steel, lock of hair red as the fires of Hell. Honest, loyal, but a tendency to be selfish.
Jake Jensen, sophomore, exercise science
Caught: TSC Patio
Hometown: Logan, UT
Age: 23
Astronomical sign: Aries
Favorite band: The Dead Milkman
Favorite color: blue
Utah Statesman: Why did you choose USU?
Jensen: It’s close to home.
US: Why the major?
Jensen: I like athletics and being active.
US: What are your plans after college?
Jensen: Physical therapy school.
US: What would you tell an undeclared freshman about your major?
Jensen: I recommend it to anybody, especially anyone interested in physical activity and who is active and wants to stay active.
US: What is your favorite thing about the university?
Jensen: The teachers here are pretty good. It’s also a beautiful town and everyone is pretty cordial. I also like the underground network of tunnels.
US: What is your least favorite thing about the university?
Jensen: The winter weather and the Poisonous Plant lab. And oh yeah – tuition.
US: Why don’t you like the poisonous plant lab?
Jensen: It is close to where we work out and I don’t trust a poisonous plants lab. I think that it is a funny thing to fund because, what do you do with a poisonous plat lab besides poison things?
US: What’s your philosophy of life?
Jensen; My philosophy is don’t waste your time looking for a philosophy for life and it’s really good to have a sense of humor.
US: What five words best describe you?
Jensen: Strategery, muscles, ninja, key-lime pie, pseudodisestablishmentarianism.
US: Who is your hero?
Jensen: Panthro for the “Thundercats.”
US: Who is that?
Jensen: He’s kind of like Liono’s right hand man in the hit cartoon “Thundercats.”
US: What year is that from?
Jensen: It was during the 1980s.
US: If you were to write a personal ad, what would it say?
Jensen: Married white male. Six feet tall, arms like tree trunks, eyes like steel, lock of hair red as the fires of Hell. Honest, loyal, but a tendency to be selfish. Most compatible with tiger and dragon but must avoid the monkey and the sheep. Hobbies include wakeboarding, snowboarding, skateboarding, shuffle boarding, game boarding, and border crossing. Highly skilled with nunchucks and throwing stars. After 23 long years, I still have my umbilical cord – I guess you’d call that an outy.
US: If you had an unlimited supply of monkeys, what would you do with them?
Jensen: I’d train them to infiltrate the National Reserve and steal bricks of gold bullion and savagely devour my enemies.